What now ... in 2023

It’s been 591 days, Babes. If anything, it’s worse now than before. Worse because it’s settled in … emptiness. Nothingness.

Your birthday is in a little over a week. The 2nd one since you’ve been gone. You should be turning 44 … I’ll make you a cherry cheesecake and celebrate you .. I’ll always celebrate you.

Dee is going back to BC with Em after Christmas .. permanently. There’s nothing here for him, no future, no opportunities .. everyone is back home and that’s where he should be too. He’s almost 19, he should be living his best life and experiencing all the things … not stuck here with me in purgatory. I cry every single day thinking about it, but I don’t let him see how much it hurts. I know he’s been here with me all this time because he’s worried about me and wanted to make sure I settled in and was okay … I’ll let him think I am, so that leaving will be easier for him.

But then what? Then what. Then I’ll be all alone … for the first time in over 20 years, I’ll be all alone. The kids grown up and on their own, living their lives, figuring themselves out .. I guess that’s good, right? Isn’t that what we want as parents? I tell myself it is.

I don’t know how to be anything other than a fulltime Mom .. and a partner. Now I won’t be either and I’m scared. I’m not scared to be alone, I’m scared because .. I can’t even fucking see through my tears to type .. I’m scared because I’ve realized that there’s no point anymore.

No point in trying. What am I trying for? I have no purpose. I contribute nothing to anyone or anything. I don’t understand the fucking point.

I’m barely surviving here. I bought an old truck but can’t afford to put it on the road yet so I’m still trapped .. which is okay because I have no where to go anyways. It’s getting colder every day and I have no furnace, just two little portable heaters - one for Dee and one for me, hopefully that’ll do.

I went to the doctor here finally, a couple weeks ago. I’m back on my anti-deps which I was hoping would make a massive difference, but it hasn’t. My new doctor is great, so that’s good, she’s very thorough. She wants me to get the MRI that I skipped in Ontario done right away, but how am I supposed to manage that? Besides, I’d rather not deal with the tumor right now, I’d rather not deal with it at all. The symptoms are irritating but manageable and I genuinely don’t fucking care.

She sent me for xrays and ultrasounds on my knee to get the ball rolling on knee replacement surgery but again … why bother? How the fuck am I supposed to make it through that intensive surgery and recovery by myself? Impossible and pointless. Give a new knee to someone who will get some use out of it .. I won’t.

I’m so tired. I keep saying that I don’t want to do this anymore .. but nothing changes, I’m still here.

Everything is gone. Everything. You’re gone. The kids are gone. Our future is gone. My hopes and dreams are gone. I have nothing left and I’m so tired.