Dear T... in Creative Writing

You drive me absolutely insane. No one has ever scared me like you do, or has made me think this much. We all know I think to much :)
Seeing you last week was amazing. I had the biggest smile on my face for the next 2 days. Now I’m back to the place I am after we have a run in. Confused, hopeful, protective & contemplative. Same old cycle. Could our timing be right for once?
Some of the things you said have been pulling on my heart strings. The memories of just laying there with you laughing, cuddling, you playing with my hands, and rubbing your beard on my neck…to make me giggle. Just those simple memories have made me happier than I’ve been all year. Those simple memories have been pulling on my heart strings.
Doesn’t that say something? I’ve always said chase what makes your heart flutter… How long do I have to chase you? I don’t feel like I’m being naive here. There is something between us, I can feel it..There has been since day one. So why haven’t we at least tried. This… It’s so much more than sex, and it’s definitely more than friendship. Why can’t you just say it?.. Never mind I know why. But what if I’m wrong. what if you’re not strong enough to say yes. Will it crush me? Will I be okay? I know I’ll be okay. but finally having to let you go, after holding on for so damn long…It’s so scary. I’ve been single for like 7 years now. I’m ready for something profound. Something meaningful and awesome.
Is it with you or with someone else?
I guess I need to ask you this in real life and not in this letter you will never see.
I guess I need to be ready to be actually rejected by you for real, no hiding behind other words.
I’m scared, but whatever the outcome I know I’ll be okay. It might take awhile, but time has proved that time heals or at least makes the burn of a broken heart, burn a little less.
Than my brain starts, well what if i proclaim my love and than when I really get to know all your habits & idiosyncrasies, It’s not what I can handle..Would it be even possible for us to “take things slow?” What if I miss the life I am dipping my toes in now. I know some of your past, and i feel insane pressure to never hurt you.. on most levels I don’t think I could, I mean I know I could never cheat on you, but what if you’re not what I’m looking for. You’re one of the few men that I’ve ever been able to picture myself growing old with. That’s insanely scary for me.
GOD why does this have to be so fucking difficult?