Thoughts before bed. in Since OD is shutting down....

I signed up to work at 11am tomorrow simply because I missed Tuesday and Wednesday but I will be more then ready to get off at 2 because I promised my niece I would get her some bubbles and I want to hang out with her a little bit as well.

Tuesday and Wednesday were not good days. I spent both days hibernating in my house, just watching tv, taking naps and just being pissed/sad at the world. I was just super overwhelmed with work/what’s going on at work, not getting enough sleep, failing a class, being alone, and just not feeling good about myself at all. What sent me over the edge was how I can’t rely on anyone for ANYTHING! I was trying to get my ex to help me with a handicapped sign and that didn’t happen. He said he would have needed a dr’s note but I don’t believe that whatsoever because I got mine through my friends Gramma and even took her to get it! I don’t believe him because he’s always been a liar about everything and I think he just didn’t want to because I’m not trying to get back together with him.

I’m feeling a lot better about things now but still super frustrated with myself. I’ve been eating like shit again the past few days and it’s showing on the scale. I really wish I didn’t have to eat at all but my diabetes kinda puts a huge damper on that. I just don’t know how to get the weight off. Even when I’m eating sensibly, pounding down water, exercising, I’m just not getting anywhere! I’m also still taking my diet drink/pills and I’m just not seeing results like I think I should be. I’m going to try a lot harder to cut out most dairy and bread along with no sweets, soda, or fast food and see if that doesn’t help. I know that I’m very much overweight and pushing 30 so my metabolism sucks but if I don’t start losing weight, I’m scared of that it’s going to do to my health because it’s already done so much. I just wanna get healthy dammit!

I decided that since I can’t really miss Monday nights because of that girl, I’m just going to not let her get to me anymore. I’m going to just go on doing my job and just pay her no mind. It’s not worth getting upset over anymore. I have to accept that she’s my boss one night a week and I’m just going to stay out of her way and hope she can do the same. We still don’t really talk and I don’t see that ever changing so I need to just accept what I can’t change with this person and just let it be. It sucks that we used to be friends but now, we are just strangers with a grudge. It does piss me off that I reached out to her (even after I said I wouldn’t) and she still isn’t willing to work things out. Oh well, it just shows her immature side and it doesn’t speak anything of my character, it speaks of hers. I don’t know if it bothers her at all that things are this way but from now on, I’m going to make sure that I don’t show that it bothers me even if it does. I’m not going to let this person think they have any control over my emotions. Fuck that bitch. I can’t believe I was ever friends with such a snake. Oh well, life goes on.

I’ve gotten all my stuff done for both classes so all I have to do now is study and I should be fine. I still plan to see the tutor but I am gonna go back to making special times for getting my stuff done and studying. I know that I can’t skimp on studying anymore. I don’t want to end up taking this class again and just want to get through it. I just get annoyed because I understand the lectures and can even get through the study guides but it’s just so much shit to remember! It’s just fucking annoying but I think if I allow myself enough time to study everyday and keep the shit fresh in my mind, it will be a big help.

I’m still struggling with the being alone stuff. I know that right now I really can’t change it but I just really hope that I’m going to eventually find Mr. Right. I just don’t want to be by myself forever. I also walk a fine line between wanting to fall in love and have a life with someone to being scared to death of getting hurt again. I’m scared that I’m going to find someone and the same thing that happened with my ex will happen again where someday the guy will just decide to stop trying and not only give up, but string me along for months simply because he’s enjoying having someone love him that he can mentally torture. I know that my ex and I broke up a year ago but I am still trying to make sense of what he did to me and I just hope that someone is going to come along that will show me that love is real and it’s everything I ever thought it was. I do believe that love is patient, love is kind blah blah and I just hope that someday I will be lucky enough to find it.

I’ve been at the dark side of love enough times that I really hope the next guy that comes into my life is going to be the bright side so that I can actually know what it feels like to have someone be there for me, help me make decisions and actually wants the same things from a relationship that I do. My ex spent so many months acting like I was fucked up because all I wanted was for him to spend time with me and be there for me when I know there’s nothing wrong with that when I see my friends have men that give them everything that I’ve always wanted. I know that my head is still a mess from getting hurt and I am just ready for someone to come along that will make every single heartbreak I’ve endured all worth it.

On another note, I’m still pretty pissed at my Mom for telling the people that Ryan lives with about him wanting to spend the night with me but at the same time, why was it such a big deal to him? It’s not like I told her that we hooked up 3 years ago or that he’s spent the night recently? Again, yes it’s horribly embarrassing for my parents and the people he lives with to be talking about this shit but I didn’t realize it was supposed to be kept a secret like this either. I also am super glad I didn’t do anything with him again and that I kept saying no when he wanted to be left here in my house while I go to school. Because he had brought it up so many times and in an accusatory way like I didn’t trust him, it makes me question what would have happened if I would have left him here alone. I just don’t get how someone that I’ve hung out with less than a handful of times was so pushy/adamant about being left alone in my house and tried to make me feel like I needed to just to prove to him that I trusted him. WHY?!!??!?!?!?!? It’s not like we are dating, or fucking, or he was going to move in! I just don’t get some people’s thinking! Like I haven’t been fucked over and betrayed enough that I should let some guy that has EVERY REASON IN THE WORLD to steal from me be left alone in my house?!?!?!?!?!?!? UM PROBABLY FUCKING NOT! I remember the other night when he brought it up the first time and I didn’t say no but just kinda fluffed it off and I could tell he was pissed that I wasn’t going along with it and then he didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. Ok well that alone makes me wonder what the fuck was up!

Every damn time I’ve gone against my gut instincts and went along with stuff I wasn’t comfortable with, I have been sorry for it. This is yet another thing I would have been sorry for. I’m just so over people who just want to push me into things that aren’t fair to me at all and are just out to benefit themselves. I know that I’m a target to most people because I’m a single female but I also have a brain and wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve been on this planet for 3 decades and that alone should tell people that I’ve probably been fucked over in the past and I’m not going to be so quick to make snap decisions with people I barely know. I’ve been through so much shit and there’s been a lot of times I deserved what I got because I trusted the wrong people and let myself get walked on because I thought it would make people care or love me. Well, it doesn’t work that way. And when it comes to my house, my car, my personal property…I’m very quick to say no when people are trying to push their way into my stuff. I’ve worked so fucking hard for what I have and I’m not going to watch it go down the fucked tubes.

Also, as long as I’m talking about Ryan, I know that he’s not into me like that. He made it pretty clear. One night we were laying in my bed talking about the night we met and I told him how I remember seeing him BBQing as I walked into his yard and I told him I thought he was cute and he was like, “well that’s flattering, thank you” so obviously he didn’t say anything about what he thought of me. I think he was just nice to me that night because he wanted to get into my pants. I still don’t remember having sex with him as I had been doing shot for shot with his Dad of Tennessee Whiskey and was really high and sleep deprived as fuck. I do remember him fingering me too hard and I had bled some. I think Ryan just likes to use women because he’s never really worked and just wants to find someone to take care of him. Well if I wanted that, I’d already have some piece of shit living off of me. No fucking thanks dude.

It’s just crazy how people would rather find someone to take care of them than paying their own way through life. I’ve been doing it all on my own for so long that I can’t imagine anyone helping me now. I like where I’m at and I’m going to continue being financially okay by myself and hopefully Mr. Right will come along and he will love having a woman that works, pays bills and isn’t afraid to spoil him sometimes. I know that I’m a pretty good catch and I hope the right guy will come along and never take me for granted. I’m just so ready to have someone to share my life with. It gets pretty lonely to never really have anyone to talk to when I get home and I’m hoping that’s going to change someday soon.

Anyways, I need to lay down and start getting relaxed for bed.