Feeling a bit better. in Since OD is shutting down....

Things are going better than they were a few days ago. I’m still finding myself upset over things I can’t change..my parents, my ex, whatever. It’s just crazy how I can miss that man when he probably doesn’t even give me more than a passing thought. I just can’t help but think how different my life would be if he could have actually been nice to me and we were still together. I loved him more than I will ever be able to put into words and it still hurts that he’s not around and sometimes it bothers me to know that we will probably never speak again. I still find myself driving past his work and sometimes wanting to walk in and just…I don’t know. Maybe just see how he’d react to seeing me and wait for him to say something first but then other times I want to just go in and scream at him.

Anyways, I have my niece. She spent the night with me. I wasn’t scheduled to work yesterday but they talked me into it but only if I could leave at 7. Well by the time I had left, they were already done trick or treating because it was cold and windy but I still just wanted to see her in her Elsa costume and just spend time with her. Well her Mom, her and I went to Walmart for some things and then she came and spent the night with me. She was up until about 10:45 watching Rio and then finally went to sleep. It pisses me off that I didn’t get to see her go trick or treating but they didn’t go for long and I at least got to see her in her costume. The only reason I said I’d work is because I needed the hours. I didn’t make much for tips and it really pissed me off since I took the time away from my niece and it wasn’t even worth it!

Oh and my boss decided to call in some extra people for Halloween and one of them was that boy I did stuff with! Remember, the one that told me he had a girlfriend after we made out and stuff?! Yep, and not only did he come just to work for last night but is coming back! I even heard him ask the boss if they were going to make him a schedule! I’m not comfortable with this at all simply because I’m still attracted to him! I know that I won’t let myself go there again because it really hurt to hear that he had a girlfriend and just wanted to be fwb, which isn’t even a consideration for me no matter what. It just sucks because he’s such a sweetheart and has piercing blue eyes that drive me crazy! He’s like the first guy since my ex that I could actually see myself dating and then he had to ruin it by having a girlfriend…of course.

I have a shit ton of studying to do for both classes and I’d like to start on it now but I feel like having my niece here would be too much of a distraction so I’m trying to wait. I also plan to get a nap in today too since I work tomorrow 11-2. I need to see about getting in a few extra hours a week so that I can have a little bit more money. This check goes to rent and I am only $3 short so that’s a relief. I wanna better check next time so that I can pay on credit cards and pay the rest of my cable bill. It just sucks that I’m not making as much at work and it’s super stressful.

Things are completely over between Ryan and I and it’s my fault. I told my Mom the other day about him wanting to spend the night and hang out and wait for me while I was at school (I never told her he’s actually spent the night) and the next thing I know, he’s texting me last night asking who all I’ve told and I could tell he was super pissed about it. Well, I just decided to block him because I was at work and not in the greatest mood so I didn’t feel like arguing back but I called my Mom and gave her a piece of my mind. It just really pisses me off that my parents have to be such big mouths! I know that it was probably more my Dad that told the people Ryan lives with and it’s such bullshit because all of us are adults! I don’t understand why my parents don’t see me as an adult and that’s one of my biggest issues with them!

It just really bothers me that I have no one I can talk to that I trust telling my business to other people. I know that I’m not the best at keeping secrets but it’s just because I forget and things come out. I just get so tired of not really having anyone to confide in. I didn’t tell my Mom about Ryan for her to go run her fat mouth, but just because I wanted someone to talk to about it. It’s just bullshit that my Mom didn’t even understand why I was upset or that she had done anything wrong! I just get so frustrated with my family because they never admit to being in the wrong!

This Ryan thing is just another reminder why I need to stay away from my parents. Those people are just unbelievably toxic to me. My Mom is still not working and has nothing lined up. I told her that she could work at another store to where I’m employed and she said that she has an interview somewhere on Monday but it’s at a place that she’s already interviewed and I just don’t believe that there’s several interviews spaced weeks apart for every place she tries to get a job. I just don’t believe out of the places she’s tried to get a job that no one has hired her. Either she’s bombing interviews on purpose, not answering or responding when they call to offer her the job or she’s just not being honest with everyone about what’s really going on. I know that my Mom has issues but so does most of the world! I have numerous health/mental issues but I still have to work!

I’ve talked to my brother about this shit and asked him if he thinks my Mom gets disability now along with my Dad and little brother and he doesn’t think so. He believes that they’ve just managed to get by for so long on what income they do have coming in every month that they don’t feel like it should really have to change. I just don’t feel like any of them are ready to change and most likely won’t until they have no other choice. My little brother still has a lot of issues and of course came back to the same situation that he left. It’s just really sad how things are but I refuse to let their toxicity, drama, and overall unwillingness to change get in the way of my everyday.

My parents have always had a lot of issues and I honestly believe their main one is that they just don’t want to be normal adults. It’s not normal to have a shit load of animals, especially when you can’t afford to take care of them properly. It’s not normal to always have a need to pawn/sell/get loans especially when at one point my Mom made plenty of money. It’s not normal to ‘homeschool’ your kid but not really teach him anything and never let him have a life outside of the house. It’s not normal to believe your children ‘owe’ you and no matter how much they give, it’s NEVER enough. It’s bullshit too how they’ve ‘borrowed’ money from everyone, not pay it back but then get angry because nobody makes it a priority to ‘help’ them anymore.

Anyways...............all of that was written earlier today. My niece went home about noon and then I spent the next 5 hours doing homework! I got all my notecards and study guides done for both classes and I plan on studying a little bit everyday and plan to see the tutor next week sometime! I seriously don’t want to fail any more tests! I feel so amazing for getting everything done and hope I do better. I feel ahead now that I got all the preliminary stuff done such as notecards for words and abbreviations! I know I’ll do fine in Med Term but I need to spend some serious time with Anatomy.

I’m going to watch some tv and relax. I have to work for a few hours tomorrow and then I want to spend some time with my niece and then touch on studying. I want to believe I have more time than I do but I have to study everyday. I can’t cut corners anymore. I just got back from my brother’s house where we had dinner, watched a movie and then I helped them get baby girl to bed. I just love her so much.

More tomorrow.