Trust! in I'm Just Snacking 2024

10/22/24
3:06 pm

Remember Rebecca Black? The kid that went viral for her song Friday because it was so bad? Yeah. That’s her now. I’m diggin’ it, honestly.

So I had to clean the church today. It was a good way to make sure that the pain wasn’t all in my head. It isn’t. It hurts. It’s real.

It’s not curled up in a ball on the floor bad, but I definitely felt it while cleaning. and that dull ache it started with was happening while doing dishes just a few minutes ago.

That anxiety about not having pain is gone. I couldn’t deal with that one. It was too weird even for my brain. Was I faking it and didn’t know it? A fraud? Did I ruin my life for something that isn’t even real? I mean, I’d have to pay everyone back, and I would never ever forgive myself.

So… yay for pain? I guess? I don’t know. My brain is really stupid lately. Just way too many things going sideways. I was more stable during the plague ffs.

I also feel like I’ve lost my purpose in life. I’ve been feeling that for a while now, but after losing so many clients it hit me hard. If I can’t work, what am I supposed to do? I’ve been working since I was 13. Fight,flight, FREEZE. I sit and can’t seem to make myself do anything at all. Not even doom scrolling. No reading, chatting, no music. My thoughts are too loud. They don’t know what to do, either. The little file clerk in my brain has papers all over the floor and he’s panicking and that makes it worse. Can’t concentrate on putting your thought files back in their proper place if that proper place seemingly disappeared.

I’ve been home for longer than usual, so that’s another thing that…just doesn’t make any sense. I LOVE being home. My PC, my bed, MY OWN DOGS! But I’ve been living out of a suitcase for several years now, and when I get home, it feels so fucking good, yah? Yah.

Don’t misunderstand. I’ve been enjoying my time at home. I’ve been doing artsy-craftsy things that I keep buying but never have time to do. Made a TON of candles, a witches hat door decoration, and other piddly things.

I’m just not used to it.

But tomorrow I go to Abel’s house until Friday, then I’m with Monty the 25th till November 17th. I leave him to go to Mac’s house for a few days. Then I get a week at home before I go off to the next.

So yeh. being home more than a day or two just gave my brain way too much time to think about life, the universe, and everything.

See ya.