Sometimes, gatekeeping is good (updated with footnote) in Those Public Entries

I’d say “I said what I said” and leave it at that, but this is a statement that I really have to defend.

So, in general/online terms, “gatekeeping” is taking it upon oneself to “protect” their special interests, usually because they feel threatened and want to keep it exclusive. It’s generally a negative thing, and I don’t typically agree with gatekeepers. I think they’re people who can’t stand not being “special” and make it everyone’s problem.

Example: Someone says “I love punk music!” and says their favorite band is Green Day? Nothing wrong with that! Green Day were inspired by “real” punk bands, particularly the Ramones and the Clash, and they were a lot of Millennials’ and late Gen-Xers/Xennials’ first exposure to punk. Anyone who rolls their eyes and says, “Chuh, whatever; come back and talk to me when you’ve listened to GG Allin and danger music, poser!” is an asshole and gatekeeping. I’ve even gone on record as saying that Evanescence are goth, because honestly, what isn’t goth about them?

But when it comes to self-diagnosing neurodivergence? No, I’m sorry, this is one are where I think that gatekeeping is not only a good thing, but that we need more of it.

Hear me out: If you read a bunch of “autism things” memes on Facebook and realize they make a lot of sense, and you think to yourself, “am I autistic?” And then you go and do a bunch of research, and things start to make sense? Fine, call yourself autistic. You’re probably correct, and I know for a fact that the process of official diagnoses often begins with self-diagnosis. That’s not what needs gate-kept.

No, what I’m talking about are people who act like assholes, think their worldview is the only correct one, refuse to even attempt to be polite or kind, and when they’re called on it, claim “I’m too autistic for this!” as a defense. Or they hide behind their “strong sense of justice” (which, according to the internet, but not any of the official diagnostic criteria OR even self-reported among autistic academics, is a key feature of autism) to be cruel to anyone who doesn’t entirely agree with their political views. Or young men who self-diagnose as autistic, only to excuse their falling down alt-right/meninist/incel vortices as “because I’m highly logical.” Or -and this one I’m gonna go all the way off on- who claim to be a more highly-evolved human, or even some kind of alien, because “autistic brains” are more attuned to sensory input.

Now, I want to be clear: I do not think, for a fraction of a second, that every person who self-diagnoses as autistic is a bad person. On the contrary: I think the vast majority of self-diagnosed autistic people are extremely sensitive and have a hard time moving through the world. If looking at the world through the lens of autism helps you navigate this cold, uncaring, sensory nightmare of a world, go for it. Again, self-diagnosis is the first step, and a lot of times, it’s correct. I, too, have self-diagnosed with ADHD (before I got my official diagnosis at 29), because looking at the world through that lens helps me get through my day to day. We are all but sentience trapped within these flesh-prisons, hurtling through space at several thousand miles per hour, on a rock that corporations are murdering for pennies’ worth of profit. Do whatever you have to, to get through your life, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.

However. When you self-diagnose as “autistic” because you can’t bring yourself to even try to understand how other people operate.

When you self-diagnose as “autistic” because you think learning manners and social skills are beneath you.

When you self-diagnose as “autistic” because you can’t logic your way into a relationship, or because you refuse to do any self-improvement.

When you self-diagnose as “autistic” because you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and aren’t capable of being held accountable, or think you shouldn’t be held accountable.

When you self-diagnose as “autistic” because you once heard that autistic people come off as rude, and you don’t want to look any deeper into it except “hey, now I can be as cruel and nasty to people as I want, and make them look like the asshole when they tell me I’m being rude and nasty.”

When you self-diagnose as “autistic” because you can’t stand the idea that you might not be as special as Mommy told you.

You are hurting autistic people.

Autistic people, like trans people, are a group of people who tend to get used as a scare tactic for stupid people. Remember the whole scare about “vAcCiNeS cAuSe aUtIsM!!!”? There was literally no truth to that claim, not even any scientifically sound supporting evidence, but people fell for it. Because they saw Rain Man, or because they “knew someone” who was autistic and, according to their fanfiction about this person, did nothing but scream and hit himself in the head all day. Or because they heard that “refrigerator mothers” made their kids autistic, and they thought, “But I love my kids, I hug and kiss them, they can’t be autistic!” Or because they, as parents, were too immature to understand that you have to love the child you have, instead of constantly wishing for the perfect child to love.

Furthermore, autism is actually a very serious developmental disorder. Yes, autistic people on the whole are creative, intelligent, funny, sensitive, and kind. They are also people with hyper-connected, hyper-sensitive nervous systems and over-developed amygdalas, and that all causes problems. If the light is too bright, that causes sensory overload, which, for people with autism, is not merely irritating or annoying, but physically painful. And it might not even be bright lights or loud noises; most people, autistic or not, are discomfited by extremely bright lights and loud noises. It could be certain colors, or certain types of fabric, or smells, or the textures of food. Do you know why autistic people tend to be extremely picky eaters? It’s because food has a lot of different, contrasting textures, sometimes even in the same bite. If you’re autistic, that can not only be physically painful, but it can make you sick to your stomach. Imagine not being able to wear “business causal” clothing, because the feeling of the fabrics used in most “business casual” clothing against your sin is painful and makes you nauseous. That’s the part of autism that a lot of self-diagnosed people either don’t understand (because they don’t experience it) or don’t care about.

And it’s not just autism; I see a lot of people self-diagnosing with ADHD, too. And again, if you find it’s helpful, if it makes your life easier, to get through it by looking at it through an ADHD perspective, go for it. But also understand, it is a disability. Speaking from 36 years of experience, ADHD is not just “hyperfixations and short attention span.” Honestly, I wish it was that simple, because that’s the least of what I deal with.

Let me count the ways that ADHD is an actual fucking nightmare most of the time:

Addictive personality: Most people with ADHD are addicted to something, myself included. My main addictions are caffeine and sugar, and I also have to be super, super, super-careful about downloading mobile games on my phone, because I can, I have, and I will, spend literally hundreds of dollars a month on in-app purchases. Do I enjoy doing it? No. Every time I make an in-app purchase on these games, I’m disgusted and I hate myself. It’s shameful. I’m ashamed that I’m so addicted to the rush of dopamine I get from playing these games, that I’m willing to spend real money on what is, all things considered, gambling with even less payoff. Even if Temu weren’t an ethical landmine¹, I wouldn’t let myself buy anything from it, because I know myself well enough to know that cheap consumer goods are as bad for me as crack or meth. (Oh yeah, and a lot of people with ADHD are addicted to “real” drugs, like alcohol and meth and heroin. I’ve never touched the last two, and I don’t like drinking enough to keep doing it once I start puking, and that’s really the only reason I don’t have less socially acceptable addictions.)

Remembering the unimportant shit, but forgetting the really important shit: So, at my job, I basically have two major responsibilities: EOM time-checking for one of my groups (basically, I check the two time records they send me and make sure the leave times are the same in both) and buying office supplies. EOM stuff has to be done by the 15th of each month. If I don’t put a recurring reminder in my Outlook, I absolutely will forget that needs doing. How do I know? Because I’ve forgotten all about my EOM stuff before. Also, when I buy stuff for the office, I have to keep logs for it. Technically, I have ten business days (although what the federal government considers “business days” is more like “ten days from the time you made the purchase, weekends and holidays included”) to reconcile the purchases. I have had my purchase card limit reduced to $3, and had to take a refresher course, more than once, because I either forgot to create a log after purchasing or I forgot to reconcile the log. I don’t do those things on purpose, but it’s not a great look for me, either, and I get that. In my defense, I never wanted the stupid purchase card, and the second someone else volunteers or I move into a different position/job, I am shuffling off that coil.

Emotional dysregulation: Have you ever literally torn your kitchen apart because you couldn’t remember where you stashed the bag of coffee beans? I have, I have! Have you ever sat in your car and screamed because the office printer wasn’t working? I have, I have! Have you ever had a full-blown panic attack and smashed your smoke detector with a hammer because it went off while you were showering? I have, I have! Plus the literally thousands of other meltdowns I’ve had over what are, in reality, extremely minor inconveniences. And guess what, I’m not proud of any of this. I have also dealt with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which isn’t just emotionally painful, but physically painful as well.

I’m impulsive. I have a horrendous temper, and if I’m not constantly minding it, I can and will hurt people. I have been depressed and dealt with suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life. I don’t like myself, most of the time. I have a hard time maintaining relationships, because I often forget to keep up communication. The last four years are the longest I’ve gone without getting into a major accident while driving. I have a hard time not interrupting people, not because I don’t think what they’re saying isn’t important, but because I have problems controlling my impulses. I can’t sleep at night without the aid of medication that’s probably destroying my liver.

But whenever I bring up these negative parts of having ADHD? Well, I’m “gatekeeping” the diagnosis and “demanding” that only people who were officially diagnosed can have it.

…Right. Because knowing, intimately, what ADHD is like, wanting people to be informed about its downsides, understanding that entirely too many people only know about ADHD what society and Tumblr have told them, and wanting people to understand that ADHD is not an abstract, but a legitimate neurodevelopmental disorder and a disability, is “gatekeeping.” I suppose it’s also “gatekeeping” to tell people that Ehler-Danlos Syndrome isn’t “just being double-jointed”, or that anorexia isn’t just “eating less,” or that depression isn’t just “the blues.” And it’s definitely gatekeeping to say that disabilities are disabling.

Of all the things I hate about one-click social media (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Threads, etc), the linguistic creep of psychological terms into everyday life is numero uno. No, children, it’s not “gatekeeping” to say, “This condition comes with significant negatives, it’s literally a disability, and you need to be aware of those downsides and understand how they’ll affect your life, should you claim to have it.” Just like it’s not “gaslighting” if someone doesn’t remember something exactly the way you do, or if you have a disagreement with them. No, the person who doesn’t fall over themselves in praise of you isn’t a “narcissist” (and really think, for longer than three seconds, about what’s wrong with that attitude). To paraphrase an example from Amanda Montell, author of the book Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism, no, the cashier who was trying to make pleasant small talk with you wasn’t “love-bombing” you. No, your “boundaries” are not the lines you draw around other people, and you don’t use them to control other people. Pop psychology is not real psychology, stop trying to look smarter than you are. The fastest and easiest way to look stupid is to use words incorrectly, especially considering we all have computers in our pockets now, and can look them up with the barest minimum of inconvenience.

Speaking of, I do wonder how much of the rise in self-diagnosis of autism and ADHD is more to do with the Millennial/Gen Z version of “keeping up with the Joneses,” i.e., trying to keep up with the latest viral trend and being upset at not having learned the skills needed to keep up with it, and/or not understanding why you need to learn those skills in the first place.

I just watched this video from Cinema Knits, about how a pattern for a “six-day” crocheted star blanket pattern got its creator slammed for being “ableist,” was probably not actually ableist at all.

TL;DW: Betty McKnit created an “easy, but not beginner” pattern for a star-shaped blanket, that she said could be crocheted in six days. Someone allegedly messaged her, saying that the pattern was inaccessible for people with intellectual disabilities, to which Betty allegedly responded with a bit of acrimony. The whole thing blew up, Betty was accused of ableism, and something something overconsumption in the craft world.

Ultimately, I agree with Cinema Knits that “Betty McKnit is not your mum.” Which, here, means that Betty McKnit doesn’t have to tailor the patterns she creates to every single consumer’s individual needs, mostly because she just can’t. Accessibility is not a one size fits all solution, and it never will be, so at some point, you need to know, understand, account for, and accommodate your own limitations and needs.

I actually think that Cinema Knits made her best point when she wondered how much of the animosity towards Betty and the star blanket pattern comes from beginner crocheters not having learned the skills they need to make this blanket. Now, full disclosure, I don’t crochet; I knit. But, my mom crochets, and when I saw this star blanket (I had just learned to knit, and YouTube was giving me a lot of knit and crochet video recs, since there’s a lot of overlap between these crafts), I sent her the pattern, saying, “I think you’d really enjoy making this.” Why did I send it to her? Because I knew it wasn’t a beginner pattern. My mother has been crocheting since she was in her teens; she’s an advanced crocheter. She has all the skills and the knowledge to make this blanket. I would not have sent this to anyone I didn’t know had the skills. When/If I start crocheting, I will not start with the star blanket.

I think the internet has given people unrealistic expectations of crafts, whether it’s knitting, crocheting, pottery, painting, drawing, or making things with resin. These aren’t necessarily difficult things to do, but they’re skills, and skills need to be learned. With learning comes a lot of failure and frustration, and those are necessary, because it’s how you learn.

Example: Like I said, I started knitting around August. Knitting isn’t a particularly difficult hobby, and I’ve picked it up fairly quickly. That said, I’m nowhere near ready to knit a sweater, or knit socks. I’m still learning the skills I’ll need for those. I can knit, purl, change colors, and bind off, but I’m still learning decreases and increases, which you need to know for socks, especially turning the heel. My yarn-overs are terrible, so I need to work on those with simpler items, like dishcloths or afghan squares. I also had to abandon a project that I thought would be challenging, but not terribly difficult, because I used the wrong yarn. And again, that’s something that happens when you’re learning to knit: You think you can substitute any bulky yarn for any other bulky yarn, but no. When the original pattern calls for Cascade 220 and you sub Bernat Fluffee, you’re going to have problems, because even though they’re the same weight, they’re different fibers (Cascade 220 is 100% wool and soft, but not fluffy, whereas Bernat Fluffee is 100% acrylic, and extremely fluffy), and that causes problems with stitch count and tension. There’s nothing wrong with the pattern, and I watched the video on how to make this scarf. “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” (Also, I’m using the Fluffee, and the Premier Sofie yarn -which was discontinued- to make a temperature blanket, with an easier stitch that works better with how fluffy both yarns are.)

Actually, to really highlight how ridiculous it is that people were whining about “accessibility” when the likeliest answer is that they, themselves, weren’t skilled enough to read the pattern or make the blanket, let me argue about the Moonlight Sonata, as someone who doesn’t play the piano, has never played a piano, and has forgotten how to sight-read music:

“This is so not a beginner piece! I try to follow the music, and it sounds like really bad ‘Chopsticks’! The nerve of Beethoven, writing a ‘beginner’ piece that no beginner could possibly follow! And I have ADHD, this is impossible for anyone with a disability to play. This is ableist. Hashtag Cancel Beethoven.”

Now, those of you who play the piano: Would you agree that the Moonlight Sonata, while not a difficult piece, per se, is not appropriate for a beginner, especially one who isn’t good at reading music and doesn’t know which keys make which notes? I mean, I would, and like I said, I don’t play piano.

To get back to my original point: This is why I’m getting tired of the constant, endless defense of self-diagnosing neurodivergence. Again, I don’t think everyone who does it has ulterior motives; most of the time, I think they’re just trying to find a way to look at life that makes sense to them. Isn’t that what we all try to do? Life is chaotic and random, and everyone is trying to find meaning and purpose in it. “Everyone’s a little bit unsatisfied. Everyone goes ‘round a little bit empty inside.”

But there has to be understanding of both “disability” and “accessibility” as more than just SEOs and pop-psych buzzwords. The ADA defines a person with a disability as a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activity (ADA National Network, 2024). Accessibility ensures that all people—regardless of ability—can interact with the information or services you provide (Case Western Reserve University, 2024).

I also think a lot of people insisting that “badmouthing self-diagnosis is gatekeeping” are confusing “equality” with “equity,” when those terms absolutely do not mean the same thing. This image illustrates the difference better than I could explain it:

I wasn’t able to get a definite source for this, so if anyone knows, please leave it in the comments. This is NOT my image.

Or, another way to put it: Let’s assume that we live in a totally equal world, where everyone gets the same treatment, regardless of what their needs or desires are. Everyone gets hearing aids. But, I don’t need hearing aids; my hearing is actually really good, in spite of now literal decades of me using/abusing headphones and earbuds. So what am I going to do with them? Give them away? But we all have hearing aids. Plus, not all deaf/hard of hearing people want hearing aids. Some Deaf people don’t want anything that would make them hear, because they view hearing aids and cochlear implants (not incorrectly or without reason) as hearing people trying to “fix” them, when they don’t consider themselves “broken”. And that’s not even getting into the ethics of “fairness,” like, “Who is making the hearing aids?” or “If everyone just gets hearing aids, which group’s labor is being exploited to make sure they’re free?”

“Fair” assumes that everyone needs the same things, but after the most basic physical and emotional needs (safety, shelter, food, water, clothing, and connection), that’s not true. There will always be people whose needs are higher than others; people who have such profound intellectual disability, for example, that they need 24/7 care throughout their life, or people whose physical or mental illnesses mean they need to be on medication.

But there will always be people whose needs aren’t as high as others, and very often, they exist together. For example: Apart from medication and making sure my reminders are as annoying as possible, and all my bills are on auto-pay, I don’t really need much support. I get by and even thrive without much support beyond what I just listed. But other people with ADHD may need more support than I do, and even though it would be “fair” for both of us to get the exact same level of support, we’d both suffer: Me from being over-supported, them from being under-supported.

So you know what? I’m going to stick up for gate-keepers, just this once, in this arena. Self-diagnosis is fine, and we need to work towards a world where universal basic health care and income are guarantees. We need to do that, so people can get not just official diagnoses, but access to the support and help they need to thrive. We need to stop focusing on “equality” and start focusing on justice.

And seriously, Muskrat, Ye? Fuck off with your “autism”. I hope actually autistic people [redacted], and it’s no less than you deserve.

¹I hear and understand peoples’ objections to Temu… But at the same time, I don’t think they’re any more unscrupulous than any other online shopping company. Honestly, I don’t even think they’re more unscrupulous than Dollar Tree or Dollar General, and apart from John Oliver, I don’t see anyone calling them out or asking why their merchandise is so cheap. I’m not defending Temu; I think it is reasonable to ask why any company can sell stuff that cheaply, and to understand that the answer is usually “slavery.” I just think people get their knickers in a twist over Temu, specifically, because it’s a Chinese company, and anti-Asian sentiment has been running high since COVID started.