October 20 in Scott

Today I read that some scientist somewhere have a view that our dreams are scenes from alternate lives. It makes a sort of sense to me a logic to it. So many of my dreams are pure bullshit. Or maybe something is lost in translation between the worlds. I do wish the Scott in alternate worlds could get laid once in a while. I have no problems watching an alternate version of myself fucking his brains out. Good for you alternate itself someone’s getting laid.🤣

For a few weeks, I have been screwing and zip, tying branches to a framework set against the wall for my birds. I’ve looked at it and thought how weird it looks then with some joy I’ve realized it looks like a thicket of branches. Every time I put a new tree branch up there, my birds have to go and investigate. Tonight they gave me great joy as they played in the branches running and jumping about. With this comes some fear, anxiety that I need to be more careful with my front door. It is very rare. I locked them in the cage even now they are in the cage at night with the doors open. I don’t want to become too relaxed about things or get careless. I think people would never understand what my birds mean to me how much I love them. As I have said many times, they saved me from suicide.

Although I want to leave my pass behind, I have to accept that I am in a time of my life that I am figuring things out, and I think coming to peace with some things. A few days ago, for example, I sent a nice note to a former girlfriend thanking her for all the good we shared, and she added to my life and apologies for any bad feeling that may have lingered over the decades. I believe we parted on very good terms. She did not reply to the message, but that’s OK. I said what I needed to say and feel peace about it.

Since I retired, I’ve been able to feel that I understand my parents much more, especially since I am the old person they once were. I feel compassion for the father that yelled at me and hit me quite a few times. It’s easier to forgive that way to let go. I feel great sympathy for my mother the house wife. She worked so hard to keep the family intact and going. Mostly I see my father is having been very flawed and thus very human. He had been godlike most of my life.

I have been able to have a sense of wonder about my younger selves. I try to send them the compassion that was lacking in the lives. I believe that when I was very sick at 18 months old, there must’ve been some damage to me. Not that I believe I’m retarded or something along that line. Something psychological. I understand why I read so much as a kid. Why I try to escape into fantasy worlds. I think I would’ve been better off facing reality more instead of running from it but all in all I did OK because at my core, I’m a good person and always have been. I’m getting to know myself all of my selves in the past and accepting them and forgiving them for their stupidity at times the doing of stupid things. Forgiving my past selves for often being so afraid in so many situations. The past is like an alternate dimension or life in that we cannot change it so accept it and that is something I keep trying to teach myself. Accept it and let it go.

Tonight I saw what I thought was a woman and her daughter going into the house that was just sold. I am guessing they are Hispanic like so many around here. I am always curious and mildly excited about any new neighbor. In the past, I have made errors in being too friendly with people and now I am very cautious. Some former neighbors were assholes I found and I had to be very careful with them later. On one side of me as a neighbor that’s a nice guy, but he is also a slob. He has had numerous park violations, I found, and I hope he does not think I was reporting him. I don’t give a shit as long as they don’t play loud music. I know I will look rather strange standing in my doorway, looking out at them the new neighbors moving in soon. I have a thing now of threat assessment with all people in all places I go. I am friendly, but also very wary of people. I was very friendly to the two women across the street from me, but they were very rude to me so I am polite, but not outgoing now.

I am anxious about the coming election. I have already voted. I feel that if Trump is elected, it will be the greatest catastrophe. The USA has ever experienced. He is insane in my view, and that of the views of some psychiatrist I have read. It amazes me that such a horrible human is worshiped by some. A person with nothing positive about them. I believe that if Harris wins the USA in world will let out a collective sigh relief. I am a news fanatic, but for this election, I do not want to watch reports of the vote counting. Prozac can only do so much.