October 16. in Scott

62 years since the world almost ended with many almost ended since. It’s one of those things that amazes me frequently. How humanity has stayed alive so long.

I had been reaching out to a former girlfriend of decades past trying to get her to put me on her Facebook friend list. Either she rarely looks at Facebook, or she was politely ignoring me. Such as he will get the hint when she ignores him. I decided to say what I felt I needed to say, although we parted amicably, I felt a need to thank her for having that part of my life and to apologize if I ever hurt her or her two kids. I told her I was happy for her that she found a good man to marry, and that her life had been what I assumed was good in the past decades. It felt good something I felt I needed to do.

I have become extremely apathetic and I wonder about it. I just don’t care about so much because I cannot affect what I see so much of. I find myself reading half a news article and fading out on it because I just don’t care. What does this have to do with my life? I wonder if I am depressed because I have such a lack of interest in so much in a way that’s good because giving a damn takes energy energy. I just don’t feel I have anymore. It’s amazing how much energy I once put into what was totally bullshit. I wish I had known when young, that’s so much in life is not worth worrying about or feeling any kind of stress about. Life does not have to be a damn drama.

My mood has been such that I look at my birds and wonder if I would have the courage to end my life not having them in my life. I feel my life ended when the factory closed. I look at my life as a sum of relationships that Never gelled into much except for perhaps one. I was the family fuck up, but I’m so glad I came to my senses and left that behind. Without my birds, I look at a life of solitude and loneliness that I will not want to live. Now my purpose in life is to give the birds a good life. I wish they could feel that I had heard about how so many old people feel like they should be thrown onto the junk pile for lack of any usefulness in this world.

Yes, I guess my mood is a little bit low.