Sunday October 6th in Since OD is shutting down....

So my ole man left Friday afternoon and then I went to my old job to get back in the system and I already requested the 15th off for car repairs. I was to take it in yesterday morning to replace the rear brakes and completely spaced it until 7pm last night. I have to call tomorrow and hopefully I can reschedule.

Today we went to breakfast at McDonald’s and then did Taco Bell for lunch and took the dog to the dog park. I’ve been cleaning and hanging up pictures. I have the towels and some bedding in the dryer. It’s really nice out today. It’s sunny but not super hot. I’m going to be so glad to have AC and heat in the car again. It’s been months since I’ve had air flow and with winter coming, it has to get fixed.

I really love my boyfriend but there’s some things that been really been bothering me. I don’t have anyone here to talk about with because they are either super judgy or they just want to hear the tea so they have something to talk about. He hasn’t been buying groceries other than some last Sunday because he wanted to make sure have money for his vacation. I get that but I’ve also been solely responsible for all the food for quite some time now. I hope he understands that I will be working during the day and I won’t be able to bring him lunch anymore. I know if I say something he’ll be sure to tell me that I don’t have to and he can get his own lunch but he doesn’t and then comes home super crabby.

It’s also bothered me how much he’s minimized what job I’ve been doing and basically I shouldn’t be tired. Okay well I get up at 5 every morning to cook him breakfast, get my daughter ready and drive her to school, work until at least 3pm, come home to cook dinner and then usually pick her up. I also do all the house cleaning, dishes, and laundry. I also have herniated another disk in my neck so my right arm is really weak and I’m in pain a lot still getting shit done. He’s told me multiple times how I have ‘inadaquacies’ and me not having childcare all these years is not an excuse to not work.

All I know is that things better improve once he gets home or I’m going to apply for low income housing. I have been my toughest critic my entire life and I definitely don’t need an outside person doing it to me. He asked me one time what have I done in the past 5 years to buy a house. Well, I didn’t have stable, reliable childcare so I didn’t have a regular fucking job so my plans have fallen through the cracks. If you don’t have childcare, you aren’t able to work. I am no where near where I’d like to be and don’t need anyone to tear me down more than I already am.

He also tells me how I’m always pissed at someone and that I’m very negative. Yet, he comes home and bitches non stop about his job and how they are always short staffed. I’ve heard PLENTY of negative from him but that’s alright. I try and tell him stories and he says all I do is live in the past but I can listen to him drone on for HOURS about his past?! There’s just a lot of things that severely piss me off about him and I don’t know how long I’m going to stick around honestly.

Then there’s other times where he’s very sweet and makes me fall in love all over again. I don’t know if this is how love is or not but when I’m pissed, I’m ready to pack up, leave, and never speak to him again. Then, there’s other times where I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He’s definitely touched my heart and has done more for me and my child than anyone ever has. I just feel like he hasn’t done as much lately as he was.

We went out last Saturday night and my brother made that fucking miserable. He decided last minute that my Mom was going to watch the kids at his house and I needed to get my daughter after I’d been drinking. There was a text war between my ole man and his ole lady and I haven’t really heard from my brother since. I’m just not meant to ever be kid free on a weekend I think. Something always has to fuck it up.

So now with my going back to work, I’ll have to worry about a babysitter when there’s no school. I also have to worry about her behavior because we’ve had quite a bit of problems at school. We are going to a counselor tomorrow afternoon. I’m so scared she’s going to get suspended and I won’t be able to work. I don’t know why she acts the way she does but it’s very problematic. I want to work a real job again and I just don’t know what I’m going to do if she messes that up for me. I want to get to the root of the problem and fix it. Me having a job is contingent on her behavior.

Her real Dad is just as crazy as ever. He had been threatening and bullying me over Facebook a few days ago and then managed to get my account restricted for a day. I am just so tired of feeling that he gets to do whatever he wants to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. He told me that he wants me to fit the bill for a lawyer so he can get some type of custody. Um why would I want to willingly put myself in position where I have to put up with him and expose my daughter to his crazy?! So as it stands right now, he hasn’t seen her in 4 months and until there’s a custody agreement in writing, he will not be seeing her again. Even with me explaining that he can’t keep talking about us to her and that I had to call the cops to get her from him, he still wants me to let him take her.

He walks around town because he doesn’t have a car and I refuse to allow my child to walk with him again. He can’t afford to feed her and can’t provide clothes or a bed. Until he gets some type of stability in his life, I don’t plan to do anything. It’s not my job to get a court order so it’s on paper for him to torture me. He doesn’t give a fuck about his child other than he can hurt me through her. Every time he’s taken her it’s just added headache and expense for me. I just get bombarded with messages of him being emotionally abusive and I have to just take it because I worry that he’s being mean to my kid. I don’t want that in my life anymore.

The guy is just too emotionally immature to handle this situation and I can’t put forth any more energy into dealing with him. He’s worried that I’m going to spend his child support money on getting my nails done and since I’ve heard him talk about it so many times, I plan on doing it. This guy owes me about $13K and I’ll do what I want with that money as I’ve already spent it taking care of her and I get to continue supporting her with or without his help.

Anyways, it’s a nice day and I’m going keep getting stuff done.