October 1 in Scott

I started to watch the vice presidential candidates debate, but it was upsetting to my stomach so wisely I quit.

I think my oldest brother is a very lonely person. He lives alone in the house. We all grew up in together. He and my sister have joint ownership of the house after our father died. My sister hired someone to clean the house because my brother is not very good about such things and if someone were to enter my house, they’d say the same thing. But it’s my house and it’s comfortable and no there is not masses of bird shit all over the place. When the house cleaner is at my brother‘s house, he takes a drive and parks his truck in the Kroger grocery parking lot. He called me from there asking where I was and I told him dude I shop on Mondays. It’s right down the road and I know he wanted to come over here and visit and I told him please don’t. I am an entertaining speaker to some people, such as my brother, very animated and humorous. I do run out of things to say and bullshit about and I do get tired of bullshitting because it’s just empty talk. I think I hurt my brother‘s feelings by saying please don’t come here because we would both sit around with nothing to say and I would be waiting for him to leave. I know that sounds cold, but that’s the way it is if you have known some a while such as a family member. I always feel I have to entertain someone when they come here. I also assume they were looking at the house and judging my lifestyle. It’s also disturbing to my birds.

Speaking of my birds, I have been surprised because buddy the male bird that will see my fingers and try to bite them, sat on my shoulder tonight without the female. He was just hanging out like a dude. We watched each other and I talked nonsense to him making sure my tone of voice was nice. It felt good. Surprising. Birds can change in their behavior. Yes he did try to bite my ear, but that’s just what birds do. Despite being painful, I was laughing. Ahhh two guys bonding. Maxi, the female sort of stood after the side approving I think. When I look at my life, I see such moments of joy with these birds. I remember such a moments of joy when I had a dog. I don’t feel alone when I have the birds because they are people to me.

I have trouble sleeping because of very intense dreams. They are usually about the same damn thing. The same places seem to pop up. The factory I worked in. The apartment I had more than 30 years ago. Sometimes my parents house when I was a child there. My parents are often background actors in my dreams. My father much nicer in the dreams that he was in life, thankfully. In my dreams, I am still working at the factory, but also telling the boss I had that I have retired and I should not be there and also hey the factory closed so why are we still working there? Recently there was an episode about drug dealers, and I found it frightening enough to wake up and stay awake for a while. I had been part of that world long ago and that is why it showed up in the dream. Do I find any deep meaning in the dreams? No. I do see dreams as the subconscious struggling to deal with some things inside. Dear subconscious all you were dealing with is in my past and I am over it or so I think. I wake up. I look around and go OK this is the only reality. Everything else is long past. I am sure I will probably dream about the same damn thing tonight but with a different variation. Sometimes I wake up and I wonder if the person living in my old apartment ever feels in is haunted because in my dreams I go there so often. Maybe that explains ghosts. A very crazy part of me is tempted to go to the old apartment and ask the current tenants if they ever feel the place is haunted? Shut the fuck up and stay away Scott.

Sometimes I do feel lonely and would like to talk to some people I knew in my past. It would be a disaster because we all grew and changed. I need to resist reaching into the past inside. We all changed so much. I want to reach out to the only woman I feel truly loved me. If she’s still alive, I’m sure that she is still happily married because she did meet a very good man. It’s tempting to look her and others up, but I tell myself don’t. Trying to reopen the past will only be like reopening a wound or an extremely awkward situation. Hey remember how we used to make love wow, that was great! No dumbass don’t you dare. It’s like wanting to go and hey bud. He just dropped down on my shoulder again if I scream, it’s because he went after my ear. As I was saying at times I want to go look at the old factory, but it’s like someone from the past we all change, especially places. When I was getting my blood tested on Monday, I remarked to a nurse that I remember how that area where the building is was once vast open fields. Yes I am that old.

I feel my age when I drive around this area because I grew up around here. I see so many places that have been developed. I still have dreams of a creek and great open fields. I used to play in. I wonder about that creek. Surrounded now by apartments.

Buddy is now on my head, eating something the crumbs are falling down my face out of my chest. I feel so honored that the finger killer will perch upon my head. I would bow, but it would make him fall off.🤣 at times I feel like a parent because I look at the time and I go OK time to put the kids to bed. They sleep together lying down. People can talk about great vacations they’ve had, but I feel such joy getting up in the morning and seeing the birds leave their sleeping place yawning. I make oatmeal with various other things added to it for nutrition and they always wait for their share of it. This is truly joyful to me every day because I will often treat them like people and have a humorous banter spoken to them.

I think I may have sounded melancholy here, but I’m not I feel good. Time to be a bad parent and put the kids to bed. They always resist like children will.