September 29 various topics in Scott

It’s not always bad news.
I told myself that many times. I’m a news junkie and go through much news each day. It doesn’t depress me because I know the world is not all bad news. It’s just what is often reported. I enjoy finding good stories about people. I enjoy finding stories about technology that will help us survive. Despite all the doom and gloom published in the news so much there is much good news out there. I reassure myself of that so that it does not make me depressed when I read the news. Just as the world is not full of idiots there are some very good people. Far too often the idiots get the attention. I suppose it’s like an ancient times the village idiot getting so much attention.

It’s been a long time since I had any alcohol. I had to quit due to a sort of breakdown. I had a few years ago. Therapy and Prozac helped. So did blood thinners. It’s very dangerous to use alcohol with Prozac or blood thinners. When I became life affirmative, I decided it’s a good idea not to use those together. I educated myself on the effects of alcohol on the body and brain. I wondered why in the hell I ever started drinking in my youth. I found the answer in that alcohol and marijuana were a good way of stopping feeling in myself until I thought the consequences of their use. I felt recently there is an insanity and stupidity to using alcohol. I saw my father using it to excess and was able to stop myself going down that path. It helps me to not drink when I know what it does to our bodies and minds. Because I want to survive to live it makes not using drugs or alcohol much easier.

My father was very angry man I think. As sometimes happens in families, I was the chosen child for mental and physical abuse. Yes I did some stupid things, but I think the punishment was much greater than necessary to make me stop the stupid stuff.
In my youth, I would yell like my father did because he was my role model I think. Eventually, I saw how insane all that anger was. It was not necessary. Yelling at someone gets their attention at first, but then the adrenaline kicks in and nobody is listening anymore. I remember how stupid I felt yelling at a girlfriend to get out of my apartment as I get kicked a wooden door and my foot got caught, and I went from anger to roaring laughter with that girlfriend. When the laughter was almost over, she said see you tomorrow and we laughed some more. How stupid all that anger was. I once read that anger is the child of fear and people will try to cover up their fear with anger and aggression. I think that’s how my father was to me. I don’t feel like I’m stabbing him in the back. I feel long after his death. I understand him more. I don’t understand anger so much anymore, which is a good thing. I do understand where it comes from in people, but to release it and let it grow is so incredibly stupid and insane. I remember how one time at work. Someone was laughing at me because I had a sneezing fit. I blew up at them. I was screaming at them. My father was dying at that time, and I reacted to something trivial by letting out my anger, my fear, my grief. I sent myself home that day. I told my boss and the person I yelled at that I was not right in my mind. That’s how I see so many angry people. Sometimes while driving, I will feel anger begin to rise because of how other people are driving, and then I make a point of slowing down a little bit and letting the anger go and laughing at myself. When I see angry people, I do not engage I step back. I do not try to talk with angry people. My former boss was that way often yelling at me bullying me because I believe he knew he could get away with it. If I did not put up with it, I could’ve got fired if I had yelled back at him. After the factory closed, he wanted to be friendly to me. But I found it difficult to trust someone that was so quick to anger.

I made a strange thing, a construction of tree branches on a frame T shaped. I have been enjoying attaching tree branches as perches for my birds. I have felt a childish joy, watching them play in the branches as is natural for birds to do. They will chew on the branches and I see some joy in that for them. Tonight I attached a new branch to the frame in the male bird saw me with a zip tie and immediately wanted to peck at me.” nobody you stupid motherfucker I’m trying to help you make your life better“ I said to him and he backed off. It was hilarious because he acted like he knew what I was saying. OnceI attached the branch, he had to inspect it, walking along the branch, looking at it, giving his approval. Buddy will often attack my hand as I try to give him some food and once he finds that I am trying to help him be kind to him. He looks to me like he regrets trying to hurt me. Oh sorry, and thanks for the food. It’s sadness me when I see people with their birds in cages very boring environments. I believe if you have any kind of pet make your world easier for them by putting up toys for them. Why have a pet if you cannot be creative and find ways to give it love.

Why have other humans in our lives if we cannot be creative and find ways to be kind to them unconditionally.