K.O. in Current Events

Diego practices our culture, I asked him yesterday if he ever participated in a Sundance Ceremony. He has been participating every year for the last five years. This is part of his recovery journey. This year he was just a spectator. He’s been pierced and dragged and strung up in the previous ceremonies. The Sundance Ceremony is an intense ceremony about transmuting energy through suffering. I want to witness this ceremony myself but not until I am one with the community. My mind is still colonized. For lack of a better term. I want their ways to feel natural to me.

In case we didn’t know. I just started working at a non-profit that is trying to create social change for Indigenous communities. The program I got hired for just started up. I’m a mentor for a “big brother” program for at-risk youth, ages 6-12. Diego is another mentor, Andy is our coordinator.

We had our first group program yesterday. 4 out of our 6 participants showed up. Andy and I agreed to keep our expectations low. We had a script of how we wanted the day to go but left room for reality. It went a lot better than we expected. I could have stepped up more. I dissociated a bit. These kids wore me down to my soul. Has your soul ever been tired? Mine hasn’t. I think I unlocked a new level of exhaustion. It was like every fiber of my being was made of lead when I got home. I could not move. I could not think. I could not feel. I passed out for a few hours, affecting my sleep later in the night. I feel hungover today. That is just from 4 kids. We want to build it up to 20.

Next Saturday we have a feasting ceremony. We are going to feast our drums. We have an elder coming, and the kid’s families are going to join us. The whole community is invited. We are spending the whole week prepping for it. I am going to step my bussy up and be more useful this time. Got to get my head in the game.

I have another three-day weekend. I don’t have any plans for it. I don’t feel connected to anything right now for better or for worse. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m going to start with the gym, once my coffee is done. But which gym? I’m going to go to my gym. The one I checked out is a downgrade. I want to give it a chance so maybe this evening I will at least go there and do cardio and use the sauna. I have a free 3-day pass.

Actually, it is not true that I am not connected to anything. My mind is on work. This is just evidence that I care. I am developing a passion for it. I am going to scour the internet for advice on how to manage these kids. It is just one that makes things challenging, so far. It’s just a learning opportunity for everyone. I keep telling myself. The one that I thought was going to be trouble turned out to be amazing. He acts like a big brother to the other boys.

I also want to explore our culture a bit. I very much want to be immersed in it. I have my own sage kit but I don’t sage. The elder we met with to help us develop our program, told me how to connect to it properly. I have a bin fill of twigs and seeds from a cedar tree that a different program used for medicine offerings. They asked me to return it to nature and gave me ceremony tobacco. I am going to get Alex and Bruce to show me how to… do that, lol.

Also, not that my appetite is back. I am going to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Meal prepping, planning, etc.

Okay, coffee is done. Gym time.