2nd day of being home. in Since OD is shutting down....

I woke up still feeling pretty down. My ex sent a message over Facebook saying that he wanted to go get me a handicapped sign so I took a shower and I had gotten another message saying that he would need a doctors note. The ones he had went to his ex wife and step daughter. He said he had given the one to his step daughter because she was pregnant and I asked if he could get it back considering her child is a toddler now and he said no because she still needs it. I got super pissed because I just never feel important to anyone or feel like I’m much of a priority. I just can’t understand why someone had to ruin mine and now I have no way of replacing it. I am so fucking pissed about this because I’m late to class every fucking day because I can’t find a place to park.

I didn’t bother going to class today simply because I haven’t studied and I just couldn’t bring myself to get dressed and leave the house. My depression is hitting me really hard and I know I can’t continue to stay home and hide from the world or I won’t have a job anymore. I texted a manager earlier and let her know I was still not feeling well and she was pretty nice about it. I feel awful calling off work because I feel fine physically but emotionally, I’m just at a fucking breaking point. I am going to be super fucked when I get paid and my check will more than likely not be enough to cover my rent and I have to work tomorrow so that I can cover my car payment. It was so stupid to take 2 days off of work but mentally, I needed a fucking break.

Something’s gotta give. Right now I’m wondering if I’ve just spent months convincing myself that I’m totally fine doing everything on my own or I was just in some kind of denial which pushed my breaking point to happen now. I don’t know. I do think I have adjusted very well to just doing my own thing and taking care of everything on my own but sometimes, it just makes me question my existence on this planet and if I’ll ever find people to love and accept me. I know I don’t want to keep living like this and it’s scary to think that I may be alone for the rest of my life.

I’m hoping that I’ll wake up in a better mindset in the morning but I know that right now, I’m emotionally not in a good place. I just can’t see myself continuing on the way I have been with no emotional support. I still go days without hearing from anyone and it drives me up the fucking wall! I’m also really sick of calling or sending a text and I just get ignored! But if I ignore the same people who ignore me, they get all butthurt! Like WTF?!!?! I just wish I could completely close myself off from caring if I heard from people or not but it’s nice to at least have people to talk to on the phone sometimes.

I’ve been eating like shit for days now. The scale is showing it too. I haven’t been to the gym since last week and don’t really fucking care. I’ve been taking my diet pills/drink, eating sensibly, no fast food, no sweets, and no soda and I’m still not seeing results?! Like are you fucking kidding me? I sacrifice eating all the things I used to love to try and get healthy and it’s just not doing anything! It’s super discouraging and makes me very angry. I just don’t know what to do about my weight but I am so fucking fat and gross that it makes me sad and I hate myself. I look at myself and wonder how any man would ever come along and think I’m beautiful.

I am gonna get up and go to school tomorrow. I also have to stop by Walmart and get my diabetic prescription. I also have to go to work because I need money and I’m now even more broke because I’ve missed a couple of days. As much as I needed the break, I’m going to be kicking myself when I’m short on money.

Not sure what I’m going to do about having more of a social life. I’ve talked to a couple of dudes off CL but nothing serious. I’m just unable to accept that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life but I’m walking the fine line between wanting to change it and just completely close myself off from it. Everyone says I need to go to church but I’m super shy and awkward in situations where I would have to go alone because no one ever does anything just to support me so I’d go and just sit there diligently waiting for it to be over so I could scurry out to my car and leave. I’m not putting myself through that.

As far as school goes, I’m going to see about a tutor, counseling and actually spend some time studying this weekend. I’m failing that class and need to fix it. I didn’t go today but I plan to on Friday. I really don’t want to end up having to take this class again. I’m also going to hit the gym either tomorrow or Friday as well. I know that I feel like I’m not getting anywhere but I can’t bring myself to completely give up either.

I’m very down, discouraged, angry, and ready to be done but I don’t want to go back to just sitting in this apartment by myself with nothing to do and be even more isolated and miserable than I am now. I can’t change that I’m alone but I’m gonna just keep plugging away with work and school. I have just been so burnt out lately because I don’t have enough adult time outside of work and I have no social outlet, even at work because so many of the people I was friends with have quit and now I feel very unimportant at work and sometimes people there make me feel super awkward and don’t really seem to care what I have to say. Maybe it’s really not as bad as I think it is because I feel so discouraged about everything.

I think my breakdown has been coming for awhile and then after my handicapped sign got destroyed, it was just the last fucking straw. I’m angry that I’m not making as much money at work and still have to act happy to be there when I’d rather shoot myself gets to me. I’m tired of working just as hard as before for less money. I really don’t want to get promoted because I worry that they won’t give me a raise unless I bring it up and that’s just too uncomfortable for me, I really don’t want to have to be social with customers, I don’t want to have to worry about making mistakes and looking stupid. Maybe it’s just not for me.

My Mom has yet to return my phone calls. Like, I just need to get it through my think head that they just don’t fucking care about me. I’m on my own, like I always have been. I’m probably going to be changing my number because I don’t want them or my ex John to have it even though I can block their numbers with a certain application that I have. I’m just sick of struggling to be in anyone’s lives. I feel like I’m not important, I’m not a priority and nobody could give 2 fucks about me unless I’m offering them money.