lonely days & wedding dresses in 2024

3:13pm

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I was so comfortable and so tired. The idea of laying there all day long sounded amazing. Pretty sure I could have slept all day.

But I also knew it was a bad idea. It felt like giving in to the depression lingering in the background of my world. And I refuse to give in to that.

Maybe I need new friends? Don’t know why that thought popped in to my head, but maybe. The biggest difference this off-season is that I have almost no human interaction during the day. Sure I talk to my mom or EC on the phone, but I don’t see anyone in person until he gets home. Some days, like right now during harvest, I only see him for a couple hours. Probably need more than that.

Let’s bring back AOL. lol. ;)

In other, more exciting, news: I ordered some wedding dresses to try on!!!! Finally!! haha. I’ve been procrastinating on this for months and I realized recently that a lot of that was due to the weight gain. Your wedding is supposed to be your most beautiful day and right now I wake up every day feeling like it’s gonna be my ugliest. I’m trying to be more positive and stop talking so much shit to myself, but damn, it’s hard.

I’m hoping the dresses will come in before the weekend. I had them sent to mom’s house just in case the packaging was weird. I think they’re coming from another country? The tracking is super weird so I have no idea what I ordered. lol. Hopefully they’re not in Asian sizes or I’m dead.

There was one dress that caught my eye but it’s in a trumpet/mermaid shape. Of course this would accentuate my assets but it looks like I’d have to do a lot of sucking in my gut so I won’t look pregnant. And also using the restroom seems very difficult. Actually that seems difficult in most dresses. heh.

As much as there is a part of me that wants to go full on crazy with this dress, I’m too practical for that. I refuse to spend an insane amount of money. Going the comfortable route seems like a better option as well. I want to have fun and enjoy my night, not worry about my looks.

Anyway, the reason I’m hoping they arrive before the weekend is because apparently this dress shopping has turned into a “thing”. I’m already heading to [hometown] for my one year anniversary/checkup for the new knees! And since I’ll be there and don’t want to drive back again, I figured I can try them on Saturday with whoever wants to show up.

The girls, aka EC’s friends significant others, are obsessed with turning this into a whole to-do. Honestly I was just planning on buying the dress online and maybe having mom help me try it on. I am not doing the whole dress shop hullabaloo. Everyone’s been asking me about a dress for months and usually I just laugh them off. This last weekend though I don’t know how it came out [too much alcohol] I confessed I had ordered some. The neighbor’s wife really wants me to still go to a shop so I said that if nothing fit, I would go for shits and giggles.

She’s really obsessed about our wedding more than we have. It’s strange considering she barely acknowledged me for a couple years and did not invite me to anything that involved her wedding. 🙄🤔 But like I told EC and my mom, I have never been nothing but nice to her and I have no reason to change that. Kill 'em with kindness right? It's not worth the drama or anything. I just giggle to myself, and talk shit, when she came over a couple weekends ago and had to borrow my sweat pants to sleep. Yeah, I win the karma points. F you.

And that situation with her is a whole story I never got into because I haven't been writing. It was something that started to hurt when I thought about it too much but whatever. It is what it is and I know that I've always been true to myself. That's all that matters. Moving on.

This whole people showing up to watch me try on dresses has also given me anxiety about nothing fitting because I don’t even know what size I am right now. That would be sooooo embarrassing if people come over and I can’t fit in any dress! Ugh. Trying to push those thoughts away as well.

We'll see how it goes. If the dresses come in, it'll be mom, the neighbor, G, and El. I really wanted to invite the one girl who originally treated me stupid but now doesn't talk to anyone but me. [so much drama these girls = why I hang with the guys] EC thought it wouldn't be very cool of me though the giggles I get on the inside spark joy as well. 😜 

I hope it's a nice time. I hope I find something I love. I hope we get tipsy and actually have fun.

I'm only getting married once; I'd like to have a few fun memories. 

Fingers crossed

EC's on his way. Gotta go see another human!

rose.

4:50pm