Have Yourself a Merry Little Crisis in Current Events

All I need is a little crisis to get motivated, apparently. To avoid feeling anything, I worked on my list of things that I avoid. My grandmother is in the hospital again. She is getting surgery for a blockage again. Three rounds of con-19 shots and 3 rounds of the exact same surgery. That gene therapy is the leading cause of coincidence.

I can’t tell if I’m apathetic or numbed out. Maybe it’s the ADHD object permanence where people don’t exist unless they’re in front of you. My reaction was performative. I think I just hold it together for my mother so that I can be fully supportive. Or I could just be a soulless monster, a spiritually dead thing that only cares about himself.

Speaking of Monsters, that Netflix series about the Menendez brothers is one big thirst trap. It’s very menacing.

Now that I’ve changed the topic… I admitted to myself that I have a spending problem. I audited all of my expenses so that I could shock my system. I haven’t been digging myself into a hole, after all, but I need to dial it in. This is more ADHD things. It’s the instant gratification. I’m dopamine deficient and my brain has me chasing every little hit that it can get. In a captured essence. I hate being compulsive. I was so disturbed and angry when I learned that I have this. It comes with God mode which is what I activated yesterday. Wish I could turn it on at will.

I was looking for a fee-based financial advisor but they are still expensive. My response to everything these days is DIY. I bought everything to make my own non-toxic deodorant, for example. I make my own laundry detergent. I want to turn on ADHD God-mode and get hyper fixated on learning how to be an investor. I have it in me. I can master it. In my frustration, I decided to buy my first index funds. It’s better than nothing. I don’t like the idea of my money sitting somewhere making money for someone else. When I have a few hundred bucks to spend, I’ll meet with a FA. Won’t be too long. By the end of the year I’ll have my credit debt long gone and I’ll have extra money to play with.

My Criminal Record Check came in yesterday. That’s 2 down and 1 to go. I’m still waiting for my Abuse Registry check. Diego said his took 6 weeks so I’m not going to panic just yet.

It was nice to have a 3-day weekend. This is the week we are in full swing. I still have butterflies but it’s not that bad. It affects my appetite, however. I’m doing better at sleeping in. I haven’t been crashing at 2 PM so I think I’m on track. I work until 7:30 so I want to make sure I have energy for the kiddos. Today is a two on two. We have a set of brothers. It’s their first day in the program. I think we might be related, we have the same last names. I am a distant relative to my dad’s side. We shall see how this day plays out.

Once the ball is rolling, there will be a lot of structure in my program. I’ll be hanging out with these kids one on one. I’ll have everything planned out way in advance. Structure feels so good on my soul. It’s addictive. My ADHD needs novelty which this job provides a lot of so I think this is a good fit.

My coffee is done now. I shall go hit the gym. Speaking of the gym, it would appear that I am still ambivalent about switching to the one down the street. They finally reached out about giving me a tour. I’ll take them up on it. At least I can say I made an informed decision… it’s an extra $50 a month if I switch. I could use that money for something better. My current gym is actually perfect. Just a bit more of a drive. The one down the street is walking distance. I’ll make my decision this weekend.

Alright, off to work. I’ll get updates on my grandmother throughout the day. My mother tends to pay for her to have access to a phone so I will give her a call once that is set up.