It Doesn’t Matter in 2024

Ooooooooh, y’all, I fucked up.
I fuck-ED up.
So we are on a rotating on call schedule at work. Since it’s just me and one other tech, we are on call every other week.
The on call rule is: no one is allowed to go more than 30 miles away.
This means, out here anyway, you stay home for a week and wait for a call. That’s fine with me.
However, Dana’s current job was coming to an end Friday and he wanted to switch cars with me so he could bring his box home. His poor little car can’t take lugging that toolbox around much longer.
He’s getting to come home until he leaves Tuesday for Arkansas. Yes, Arkansas! He always gets sent far away this time of year.
(Oh, and btw, my car is fixed but more about that later.)
Sooo…I weighed it out and decided that Dana is more important. Plus, in my head, the later in the evening I left, the less likely it would be that I would get a call. I have no reasoning for that line of thinking.
I load River and myself up and we hit the road around 8 or so. She did pretty good for her first long trip. No whining or vomiting so, bonus.
We get there and, y’all, she was SO excited to see her Daddy! She was dancing around, doing toe taps. It was so cute.
Dana cooked steaks and we ate them and snuggled down. I mean, I snuggled the best I could with River plastered to Dana’s side. She loves him so much.
The next morning his alarm went off at 4:50 and we started packing his stuff up so he could just check out when he left for work. It took a little longer than expected and I got on the road later than I should have. Just by a few minutes.
I don’t know if I wrote about him being at the same plant last year or not. I spent many weekends (and week nights) up there with him. I, now, know exactly when I need to leave to get to work on time.
(Last year when he was there, it was about the same time of year. The job ended like two days before Thanksgiving and they sent him to Ohio.)
The closer I got to home, the more it was apparent that I was going to be late for work. We open at 8:30 but have to be there at 8:15-ish to take care of any hospitalized patients or boarders.
I still had to drop Riv off and change clothes. If I would have thought to grab a scrub top when I left the night before, I could have just headed straight to work. Riv could have just hung out with me until lunch.
But I didn’t.
Instead, I sent a text to the other tech; “hey, I might be a few minutes late. I have to drop River off and I’ll be there.”
Why?
Why did I say that?
Probably because I was driving and was just worried about getting to work.
I made it to work at 8:28. I knew the other tech would be pissed at me (if I come in at 8:16 she gets all bitchy), so I went in all cheery.
“Good morning!! I’m so sorry I’m late. What can I do to make it up to you?” I asked.
“It’s fine, everything is fine. I’m done. Where were you? Where were you coming from?” She said in her I-have-to-do-everything voice.
I didn’t even say anything and she knew where I was.
“You went up there?! You spent the WHOLE night there?! That’s against the rules! You are on call!! I…I feel like I should tell Mack. I HAVE to tell Mack.”
Mack, Dr. Mack, is the practice owner.
I asked her why she felt the need to tell anyone anything.
Her: Ugh, well, what would have happened if you would have gotten a call?!
Me: But I didn’t.
Her: But what IF you would have?!
Me: But I DIDNT and if I would have, I would have just hauled ass back.
Her: From two hours away?!
Me: yeah.
Her: then what would we tell Mack?
Me: “We” wouldn’t tell Mack anything. It would be MY problem to deal with.
Her: ohhh I would have gotten in so much trouble!
Me: Why?! You have nothing to do with it.
Her: I just would have. That is so not ok.
Me: I get that but it was something that needed to be done.
Her: then why didn’t you CALL me. I would have taken over for a couple hours but you would have had to come back. I mean, I had all my notifications off but I would have seen a text or missed call eventually.
Me: That’s why.

Alright, I get that I did wrong. However, why does this situation have to be reported to Dr. Mack? Or anyone? Why can’t she just keep her fucking mouth shut?
Yes, I’m spoiled because I can count on three fingers how many times I have been called out on an emergency while on call. It seems emergencies only happen every other week when the other tech is on call. (I probably just cursed myself, but it’s true.)
Yes, it would have been horrible if I would have gotten a call. This little excursion could have blown up in my face in nuclear proportions.
But…
It didn’t.
It’s over.
Nothing happened.
I’ve spent so many years of my life wondering about the “what ifs” and “what abouts” and “I don’t want to make anyone upset.” What has it done for me? Made me a nervous wreck. Scared of my own shadow with OCD. Worrying about the worst case scenario all the time.
I’m don’t want to be like that anymore.
I’m not saying I am going to be a reckless heathen, but baby steps.
My man needed me.
I went to him.
If something would have happened, I would have taken my lumps like always.
But it didn’t.
Is this going to become a pattern? Hell no! I was so nervous that I could hardly sleep.
I did end up telling MY doctor what I did.
“I’m so glad that you told her because I was going to tell one of them,” the other tech said.
WHYYYYYYY?!?!
The other tech didn’t talk to me for the rest of the morning. I finally went to her and asked if we were ok.
“No, I’m upset…I just….ill get over it but I just don’t understand the situation.”
Holy hell, woman.
I’m sorry I’m not perfect.
I’m sorry my mom and dad aren’t my best friends and I don’t spend every weekend with them.
I’m sorry that I dont do anything without asking the doctor first even though it’s something I know.
I’m sorry I think for myself and can problem solve.
I’m sorry that I don’t run around the clinic doing fifty things at once making myself feel so self important. Honestly, im kinda doing the job of two people.
Fuck.
Man.
Lighten the hell up.
She might portray herself as perfect and righteous at work but lest she forget, I know about last summer.
I know the guys that were here working in the ethanol plant. I was at a lot of those bonfires with them. I think she forgets that, yes, I’m with Dana but before he was my Dana, he was…one of those guys.
I know waaaaaay more than she thinks I do.
All the dirt.
BUT, am I going to say anything?
No.
Because it doesn’t fucking matter.
That’s something she needs to learn now before someone ends up making her eat her teeth.
Not me….but I’m not going to be around forever.