Ah-Ha ! in Still Listening to Spirit

I not only saw John today, but I saw Lynne as well. A double whammy of information, discovery and reminding.

I had the worst night I have ever had with this whole stomach/ribs pain thing. I knew Lynne was the on-call person today so I called for an appointment. At 1:30p I saw Lynne before I saw John at 2pm.

Lynne had me take my shirt off and bend this way and that, asking for pain signals from the movements. None, not a one.

She then had me sit on the end of the exam table and pushed all along the back and front where I identified the pain. WOW, some pokes made me inhale in pain, some just plain hurt. Lynne kept saying “Interesting” as she was sdoing this.

She can’t figure out why these muscles are seizing. Lynne says there is something I am doing that is stressing, pulling the muscles. We discussed monitoring how I move to figure it out so I can stop doing it. (I figured out the muscle pulls in my front ribs–scooting forward on my sewing chair and since I changed the way I use the chair, haven’t had a repeat). Once I figure that out, I can quit injuring myself.

I am instructed to take ibuprofen for the inflammation and I have muscle relaxer med for night time.

Yes, yes, between Lynne and John I have an ‘answer’ about a cause of this latest depression and negative feelings and thoughts.

Grief. I am grieving. And yes, it likely started when Bill got sick. Maybe even the month before when the cataract was confirmed.In my mind right now is the new thought “I am old”. Not that long ago, I would think “I am getting older”. But not feeling particularly differen, just ‘getting old’.

The knowledge affirmed by thinking Bill was going to die soon is what contributed to the beginning. All that I used to do, all that I used to be, I saw slipping away. I can’t do all the things I used to do even 5 years ago. I can’t move the furniture, I am not driving because of cataract, I anticipate all the things I cannot do increasing until I can do nothing.

So, It has a name. I must claim it and do what needs to be done to accept it. I have done the grief work before. Two divorces, getting sober and losing my very best friend for years–alcohol, At about 9 months sober, I learned from Nita that I needed to grieve the loss of a couch I had had for 20 years!

I am literally going through a huge change in lifestyle and abilities. All the scattered puzzle pieces came together and on one level I am relieved to know it is grief and I can work through it, survive it, and come out stronger

I am done writing now. Blessed be!.