Heavy Dirty Soul in Current Events

I haven’t been able to connect to anything that I am passionate about. This is why I decided to sign up for a master class about the metaphysical teachings from the Bible. A Bible study group, it turned out to be. I wasn’t ready to actually have to speak to anybody. They wanted to get to know me. I think I will be more talkative next week. I don’t want to end up mansplaining anything so I’m just sitting back and taking notes. At least it is good practice for when I start recording my own content.

This class is about David and Goliath. Bill Donahue had the mic drop moment showing how it’s obviously an allegory about our highest and lowest levels of consciousness. I can tell that our host is going to go even deeper. Her master class is about applying the teachings, which is great. They invited me to their reiki session on Tuesday, I have nothing better to do but I dunno. This is the third time somebody brought up reiki this week so I’m taking it as a sign.

The butterflies in my stomach have turned into knots. I feel like I’m going to throw up. I am trying so hard to keep it together. Does my body know how to throw up? I’ve never done it. I want to have a good sleep. I don’t want to wake up with a panic attack. Those only happen when I’m asleep. I wake up with little control over my legs.

It’s really starting to sink in now. I had to change the time my alarm goes off. I get 2 more hours of sleep. I don’t even need my alarm to be honest. I am restructuring my sleep schedule to make time for the gym in the morning. Not every morning but any morning. My ADHD is trying to overwhelm me with every tiny thing but I am ignoring it. The bird puts its faith in its wings, not in the branch. I have been winging it since 1986. I also have to worry about what to wear to work. I’ve only ever had uniforms. Everybody was wearing jeans and a hoodie but… I’m a Taurus rising. I have to turn it up a notch. If you can’t put your best foot forward put on your best shoe.

We have an eclipse on Tuesday. That Pluto retrograde also. Big changes is an understatement for me. My charts signature is fixed earth. I don’t adapt to change well. I also don’t know how to let good things happen. I’m waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Like, this can’t be real. It’s not allowed to be real. Good things don’t happen. It’s got to blow up in my face. What I don’t want is this job to become another place I despise. At some point, it’s not the world it’s you. I am good at making the best of it. Though, it isn’t always easy.

Aman is definitely a Sagittarius. She wrote on my farewell card: You’re annoying sometimes but not always. I will miss you for a bit. This lives in my head rent free. I’m going to miss them all.

There are three types of fear:
Loss Pain: I lose my relationships from my last job. I lose clocking it at 2 PM.
Process Pain: I have to find a new commute. I have to meet new people.
What If: what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m bad at this? What if everybody hates me?

Cue the toxic positivity:
I get to make new relationships. I get to sleep properly. I have time in the mornings for everything I wish I could do before work. What if it does work out? What if I get so good at it that I advance there? What if I love the job so much I stay with it forever?

My stomach ache calmed down. I don’t have to be in bed this early. It’s not even 9 PM. I’m usually asleep by now. Back when I was getting sufficient sleep. Maybe I’ll take some more CBD oil and then doom scroll. Tomorrow is the big day. Let it happen you big bloated bitch bitching on Prosebox.