Working My Nerve in Current Events

If my heart could beat it would break my chest.
The physical symptoms of anxiety have been made manifest. There is a tightness in my chest. Physical pain is easy. I am lucky that this anxiety has not taken hold of my mind. That would be torture. I have no energy today either. I just wanted to lay in bed the whole day.

My spending is out of control. It’s mostly just food. I just signed up for a masterclass. Every Sunday for a month, there will be a Zoom class that teaches the Bible as the correct physics lesson that it is. A woman that I support on FB is teaching it. She has made content with the grand master himself, Santos Bonacci. That is so cool. The first class is in a couple of hours. Well, my first class.

I just spent the last few hours in the kitchen. My roommate is still working on her bicycle. I think she is done, I can’t tell. She hasn’t eaten anything yet today. She might just be taking a break. Honestly, she is probably waiting for me to cook her something.

She used to work Tuesday-Saturday. I had Saturday all to myself and she had Monday. Then she got a new job which I lowkey dreaded, even though I had to talk her into it. It is Monday-Friday like mine was at that time. I was off at 2 PM so I had the afternoon to myself and she had the morning. Now we are going to be synced, so it would seem. I can’t stomach it. It is what it is though.

The butterflies will not stop. My stomach is in knots. I need it to be tomorrow already so I can stop being so nervous.

My background checks have not come in. I won’t be allowed to interact with the kids yet. They should arrive next week. They will still give me plenty to do, I’m sure. My driver’s abstract is in though. I haven’t opened it. It is the only one that I am worried about. My license is over 20 years old. I have one accident in the report. It was my fault but I’m sure they are just looking for DUIs, etc. Not a little rear-end collision. The truck I hit had zero damage. Does getting arrested show in a Criminal Record? I wasn’t charged with anything. I somehow matched the description of someone 300 lbs more than me. They drove me around the city in -40 weather with their windows down. They wouldn’t let me wear a coat They wanted me to confess so that they didn’t have to investigate. They locked me in a holding stall for 10 hours and wouldn’t let me use the bathroom unless I confessed. I did not confess. I thought they were going to take me on a midnight tour. Those aren’t ancient history. My cousin was taken on one just last year. What is that? You might ask. It is when the police take First Nations people outside the city in lethal weather and force them to walk home with no coat or shoes. They freeze to death and die. My cousin survived.

I have been binging the book series for A Song of Ice and Fire. I’m halfway through the third book already. The audiobooks. They are so good. Much better than the show. The show did a great job sticking to the material.

Damn, since I stopped moving, my nerves are getting worse. I hope Alex and Bruce invite me for a walk this evening. I’ll do that before I join that Zoom class. Theoretically. Ugh, I’ll take some CBD oil and maybe that will relax me.