Planning in 2023

Things were supposed to be easier once I moved here. Not just mentally and emotionally, but financially too.

Was I ever fucking wrong. Somehow this godforsaken province is even worse than Ontario was for cost of living vs. disability income.

I’ve been collecting my federal pension for 7 or 8 years, since being medically retired because of the repeated traumatic brain injuries. I’m physically able to be employed (for the most part) but mentally I’m incapacitated with the chronic short-term memory loss - that’s my main issue, personally, but there’s a whole list of shit under my mental health umbrella like CPTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia, etc that apparently make me unemployable too.

Anyways. Federally, I receive just over $1000/mo for my disability pension. In Ontario, I also received a provincial disability amount of $900/mo for a total of just under $2000/mo. My rent was $1240/mo, my monthly bills/expenses totaled about $500/mo, and that left me with about $250/mo for groceries .. which didn’t even really cover 2 weeks’ worth of groceries, nevermind a month, but we were able to access a food bank and received help from Dee’s school every week too.

It is with that income vs budget in mind that I thought I could make this move to SK, and finally get back on my feet. I assumed the provincial disability would be about the same here, while my expenses would be less, allowing me to get back on my feet a little.

I was wrong. So very fucking wrong.

My federal pension doesn’t change, but the province has decided that only “qualify” for $85/mo provincial disability.

So now my monthly income is about $1100 … my mortgage is $500/mo, my bills & expenses are about the same at $500/mo … and that leaves me $100/mo for groceries. I have no access to a food bank or other supports because I don’t have a vehicle since this fucking place failed my car on its inspection so I couldn’t register & insure it here. Doesn’t really matter though because I can’t afford registration, insurance, and fuel anyways.

I’m trying to appeal, or even find out how the fuck they came to the conclusion that I only needed an $85/mo supplement to my income to survive. But I don’t think it’ll make any difference at all. I can either keep a rood over my head, or food in my tummy but I can’t do both.

And because my house is heated with electric baseboards (as was my apartment in Ont. and we didn’t use them ever even in the winter, we relied on the residual heat from the building because I couldn’t afford my $200/mo power bill to jump to $500/mo if using them.) I’m about to have a power bill jump to easily $600/mo when winter hits here because just going without heat isn’t an option here .. it hits -40°C in the winter here and I can’t take the chance of my pipes freezing and bursting.

I was planning on getting a natural gas furnace put in, I’ve even had the gas company out to mark the lines and check the installation on the house - natural gas is plumbed right up to my house, it’s just never been completely hooked up and I have no furnace. But with this news of my income, there’s no fucking chance I can squeeze a furnace in.

I cried all day. I’ve left messages for different agencies. I’ve looked in to life insurance so I can unalive myself and have my house paid off and my kids okay for a little bit, but life insurance policies only pay out on suicides for policies older than 2 years … I’d have to qualify, and then maintain a policy for two entire years before they’d pay out, so that won’t even work. I can’t even fucking DIE to get a break.

I should have sent Dee back home to BC to live with his brother or sister. I never should have moved here. I should have sent him home, sent Sadie with him, sent Grace back to the rescue, and just unalived myself then.

Why the FUCK did I EVER think this would work? Why the fuck did I have the audacity to think I could have my own wee place and make everything work? I can’t.

I’d even say fuck it and try getting a job anyways, but without a vehicle my only option within a 30min drive is the tiny community grocery store in town .. and they’re not hiring.

I have nothing to sell to help. Dee and I have been sleeping on air mattresses since we got here because we don’t have beds or furniture, and believe me - an airmattress is not meant to be slept on for 3mos straight. Our clothes are in suitcases and boxes still, we don’t have dressers. I have one loveseat in the living room, Dee sits on a plastic lawn chair in his living room area.

I haven’t been sleeping properly. Some nights I don’t sleep at all. I’ve been off my antidepressants for almost a month now because I have no doctor here and no way to see one and no way to refill the medication I’ve been taking daily, religiously, for 22 years. And going cold turkey off antidepressants is no fucking picnic, I assure you. The withdrawal is debilitating and hasn’t subsided at all - I thought I would get used to it, but I haven’t.

And now I can’t even kill myself to escape because the only perons who will feel better will be me … and I won’t do that to my children. Not unless I can leave them financially stable, which I can’t.

I feel sick all the time. My skin is raw from the salt in my tears again. The one person I would turn to in all of this for encouragement and support … well, we all know that chapter too.