This isn't complaining in Age 36

My husband has been going through the ringer at work. I may not fully understand it, but I have seen the effects of it physically. I think when I saw that it hit me how real his struggle was. Since then I have been trying to help him by not asking him for anything, being as quiet as possible, and keeping the kids away from him. But I can’t control everything.

Recently I have been working on a project at work that is more of a challenge to myself. I am about 90% done with it and today I had to attend a meeting in person as part of it. I had told him that I would not be able to take the kids today about 2 weeks ago when I first learned of the date. I made sure that the first thing I did was tell him. (I had already thought of all other avenues before I asked him.)

This is why I cringe and loathe to ask him any favors of him: His mood was shit from the get go this morning. He was making little comments like, “I shouldn’t even be here” and the like. My kids were getting ready for school and all they saw and felt were his vibe and I could see how much it was throwing them off. I tried to smooth things over. I made them eat breakfast, they were both dressed, hair done. I had to do all this before leaving to this meeting. This is not the first time I have to make sure everything is perfect and effortless for him before I go.

I am thoroughly enjoying this meeting, which was more of a class I guess. I loved the content that was being given, I loved that I was seeing the fruition of the hard work I have put in to my project pay off. During the middle of it I get a text from him saying, “I’m so tired this threw me off today. I am sleepy and pressed for time.” That about made me want to strangle him. FINE I WONT ASK YOU AGAIN. I have learned my lesson! As a wife I can’t ask you for anything. If you need anything the stars align for you. You want everything perfect. God forbid I do something that requires more out of you.

I know that you are stressed at work and I know that you are physically manifesting this, but your burnout from that does not give you the free pass to shove your family aside and make your wife feel like a damn burden. It doesn’t. No one gets a pass for that. But again I have to internalize that and then get on with my day. I don’t have to time to hang on to these emotions, and realistically speaking I don’t want to. It takes effort and energy to feel that way. I need that energy for other things.

I have been waiting for him for a long time. Waited for him to get a job, waited for him to finish schooling, waited for him to get his masters, and now I have to wait until December when supposedly he won’t be so busy. Why must I always be the one to wait? I have denied myself in so much. I would like to say yes to myself some times.

Lord, you know what I have need of, and I know you have you’re perfect timing. So give me patient please? And give me a love that let’s me see past my human emotions. Amen.