Isolated, suicide hotline, trapped. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m just not feeling good about anything. It just seems no matter how hard I work, I’m just not getting anywhere. Every time I get my car loan paid down to a lower amount where I feel comfortable with it, something else breaks to make me end up owing a large amount again. I’m also sick of eating healthy and I’m still a fat pig! The scale is just not moving and it’s so fucking discouraging! Last night for dinner I ate fast food because I just don’t fucking care anymore. I am so tired of cutting out great tasting food and it’s not getting me anywhere! I’m also super frustrated with school. I have an F in my anatomy class because the shit is just too fucking hard and I don’t know what I’m going to do but if I end up having to take it again, I’m going to come unglued. They keep talking about a tutor but it’s like I understand the lecture, and even the homework but it’s just too much shit to remember for the fucking test! I seriously just don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do about anything.

I woke up in not the greatest mood today because I’m still upset about having to work with that girl last night that doesn’t talk to me and makes me feel invisible. It just ruins my night and I seriously want to either work during the day on Monday or not work at all on Monday to avoid having to deal with her. She acts like she’s so much better than me even though she knows I’m going to have the same position as her. Like, I’m just fucking over it. It makes my anxiety so intense that I’m seriously scared to death I’m going to freak out and piss my pants or I’m going to get so uncomfortable that I end up walking out which I don’t want to do because that would be letting her win and that’s not an option.

So then, I went to my ex John’s house to see if he would help me get another handicapped sign since he said he would yesterday and I was late to class AGAIN this morning because I couldn’t find a place to park and he wouldn’t answer the door or my phone calls. I even unblocked my number and tried and he won’t fucking answer! I am just so fucking over not having anyone to rely on and being by myself! Well it fucking sent me over the fucking edge so I spent an hour on the phone with the suicide hotline. I am literally so fucking over everything in my life. I’m done believing everything is going to get better someday. I’ve been waiting for years and I’m still in the same fucking spot!

I’m just so beyond frustrated and I’m ready to fucking die. I’m ready to be fucking done. I called off work today because I’m in no mental state to be there today so I’m going to sit here, watch tv and just do nothing. I’m seriously so fucking over everything right now. I don’t feel like I have anything to live for. All I have is my niece and if her Mom takes away my seeing her, I will fucking kill myself. That will be fucking it. I’m already so close to the fucking edge. I even tried to call my Mom for some support but God forbid she answers the phone. I am so fucking sick of being by myself that I could fucking scream!