The upcoming winter. in A transparent lockbox

I feel my biggest weakness in writing here is my redundancy. I constantly circled back to the same core issues about my conflicting feelings about desire, love, connection, and worldview. Seeing that I would be a weak lifestyle columnist, I am trying to let go of my insecurity that I am not diverse enough in my writing. Because I genuinely view this website to just be my little anonymous journal where I feel I can let my soul be known beyond myself. This all came to mind because I got the urge to write today about my struggle maintaining friendships and the frequent desire to cut people off once I feel I’ve been betrayed to any degree. And I just thought, “How many times have I fucking wrote about that already??” But I almost feel like my reiterations and varied expressions of the same topics can be examined for growth if monitored over time. Because truthfully, who cares if I’m a broken record and cannot get over the core issues of my very being? What I echo here are the ongoing emotional and psychological challenges I’ve yet to be able to conquer. There wasn’t any external criticism that led to this post; it was more of just my own inquiry as to why I always seem to be stuck between the same cracks in the road. The deep-rooted avoidant attachment style I seem to have and am forever trying to outgrow often causes the same struggles to arise in my short-term life.
There is a friendship of mine that began in February that I have been turbulent with. This person is really persistent and prefers long-term connections that are consistent in communication, and it feels like it defies all that I am. There’s not really much depth or vulnerability that goes on in the friendship, so that’s relatively mellow, but there’s more of a tangible basis. By that, I mean that much of what is discussed is regarding the actualities of our lives and experiences, not much contemplation. That is new for friendships for me. I am used to soul-diving, passionate connections that burn out and are relit whenever we meet again, not an even-tempered and consistent companionship. There is this desire within me to flee. I don’t want the responsibility of caring or being cared about. Periods of my life have frequently been defined by my choice to exist in solitude, only being close to family but not being accessible through my phone. To have consistent connections means that I cannot hide away for weeks at a time without being viewed as inconsiderate and weird, and I’m not denying those labels, but I wouldn’t say I like making people feel that way regarding my interactions with them.