Nostalgic Moments in 2020s

Last night, I felt a little down, like I sometimes do when I’m on nights. I
got stuck in a nostalgic loop, thinking about my past. It was as though I was
caught between the past and present—missing certain aspects of the past,
wishing I could blend them with the present. Part of me wants to go back in
time, but part of me doesn’t. I miss having certain feelings, hopes, and
desires, but my life was so much harder back then. Before I met Tom, and even
before I moved to Arizona, I had to walk in the cold and snow just to get to
appointments or buy groceries. I was broke, alone and loveless. My day-to-day
life was much more difficult. Even after Tom and I met, we had our fair share
of struggles—financial problems and awful neighbors, things I definitely don’t
miss. Sometimes, though, I feel like we’re too alone in the world. There are
moments when I wish my parents were still just a phone call away, along with
members of his family. But then reality hits me, and I remember just how badly
my parents treated me—and how, in general, people can be awful. Not everyone,
but most. Reading through and editing my bio was a stark reminder of that. So
many liars, control freaks, hypocrites, and judgmental people. So many people
only reach out when they want something, or only care about what’s happening
in your life if it somehow relates to theirs. My life may be repetitious and
predictable these days without much change or adventure, but at least we have
security. We may not have much extra money, but we’ll never have to worry
about paying for the necessities. Plus, we’ll always have health insurance and
a roof over our heads. Insurance can be hard to get, even when you’re working.
I remember that very well and how frustrating that was! The other day, I
realized that if I died first, Tom would likely put an obituary out for me.
But if we were to die together, who would know? The only people who would
eventually notice would be those I’m in touch with online. When they stopped
hearing from me and saw my blog wasn’t being updated, they’d figure it out.
Since I’m back into adult coloring, I decided to create a new Pinterest board
for my Florida colorings. I already have nearly 400 pins on my California
colorings board. I put on some mascara to darken my lashes and get a sense of
growth and thickness and both Tom and I agree that they look longer and
thicker. But my eyes are really starting to show their age, and my eyelids are
getting a bit droopy.