Hanging On in Still Listening to Spirit

My stomach is killing me. It hurts and I hate it. I have taken the clonzepan Lynne refilled for me and am hoping it will calm down

I called Lynne today and left a message. She called me back around 1pm. I told her about the suicide episode and she asked “Did you call John”. I told her no, I am not sure he and I are a good ‘fit’.

Lynne said: “I loIve you. You are one of the most kind-hearted, warm and caring people I know. We need you in this world. ”

She noted that this downward spiral started about the time I thought Bill was going to die. She said that had a profound impact on my mind, body and brain chemicals. She asked if I thought this was true and perhaps something I need to work through with John.

This resonated as true. My hopelessness, my belief that I am tired and done could very well have started then. I think I can work on the problem, now that it has been identified.

Lynne also said I should go somewhere by myself where I cn sit and ask the question “What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing? ” Lynne said if I am lucky, I will get an answer.

I told Lynne that Spirit always gives me answers and I will ask.

Lynne told me that this is not something that is going to come together any time soon. Everything I am doing, the exercise DVD, SAD light, eating properly, taking meds, monitoring glucose and insulin is a start but that is only beginning. Hormones, brain chemicals, each thing effects every other thing and it can all circle back to do over again with changes.

I am hanging on, hanging in and am going to keep my 2pm appointment with John and suggest he help me with this recent past with Bill and dying, and hopelessness and so on rather than what we have been doing cognitively about my family of origin.

Heartfelt thanks for the notes of comfort, suggestions, encouragement and LOVE.

Blessed be!