#438-Grief of a pet in Journal

I still miss my bird a lot. She was so cute and always will hold a special place in my life, even if she is gone. I think it’s taking me time to realize that she is gone permanently. I will never get to hold her again, or smell her feathers, feeling how velvety they are. I will never get to give her scratches again or hear her cute chirps.

I remember what they sound like in my mind, but I’m afraid after some time that will become harder to remember. And I know what she looks like when her cheek feathers would get all fluffed up and she would look like she is smiling at me. But that too…might be something that gets harder to remember. That’s also part of life.

The loss of a loved one ofentimes precedes the loss of the vividness that comes with the memories you make with that person. In my case it’s a pet, but same concept.

And time has gone on already. It’s been maybe 3 weeks. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and think she is still here, and then I remember she’s gone. Other times, I dream about her. Or I just get random waking moments at night where I think about her. Or during the day.

I realized too late that she also loved me I guess too. I always felt like I was just a bothersome human. She had a mate and loved to go out of her cage. She would run around, play, do all the bird things she liked. When I came near she oftentimes would run, especially from my hand.

I had to clip her nails sometimes, so maybe she held a grudge. But when I brought her into my lap and gave her cheek scratches, she would get quiet and still. She would lean in and her feathers would become fluffed out with comfort. She would tilt her head or lean into my hand. I can see the exact moment when she would thing, “ah, this isn’t too bad. Give me more!”
Her cheek feathers sometimes became puffed out, looking somewhat like a silly mustache. Or she sometimes looked as if she were smiling.

She would make a quiet chirp, and then nibble at my finger before going back to enjoying her scratches.

I realized too late that the finger nibbling was her way of preening(or grooming) me back. Which is a sign of affection if you could ever ask for one from a bird. Preening is a major sign of affection.

I miss her very much. So much.

I think in my daily life too. Things have been much more rough. I feel out of sorts lately, stressed easier, sometimes almost in a panicky sort of flighty state. Like my birds at night sometimes when they hear a noise.

I spend a lot of time with my other birds, and I recently brought home a new one within the past week. Not to replace my old bird, because nothing of the sorts could happpen.

But to open my heart up to love again after loss.

Because there was a part of me that is afraid. Was afraid. And maybe I still am. But I’m finding enjoyment in this new little creature just as much as the last. In some ways, it feels like I’m allowing myself to relax again, even if I am grieving.

I call the new one “baby bird”. Pretty obvious as to why, it’s a baby-ish bird. They are very flighty, spend a lot of time flying around or chasing the other adult birds because they want to be a part of everything. Even the time the others want to spend with their mates. The classic third-wheel she is.

Othertimes she has what I call bird zoomies. She will dart around the cage, or hang upside down from a perch. Or twitch like crazy. Only to do another acrobatic performance of the sorts. Screech because she can, or do flips while screeching.

She has the same feather color to a similar degree as my last bird.

I know this baby bird is not my old bird. They are not a replacement. And I don’t have any expectations about how things will turn out because it’s unpredictable. It would be wrong of me to expect the new baby bird to come to like me as much as the old one did. It would be wrong of me to place that sort of expectation of a tiny little bird. Or any animal at all.
I could end up with a bird that adores me, hates me, wants nothing to do with me, or is just not tameable for any reason.

And that’s okay.

But I figured at the very least. I wanted to see the blue feathers of my old bird again. The color and vibrance. So I got another blue bird of similar color.

So at the very least I can see that same shade of blue, though it may not be exact.