Wellness Update in Current Events

My mood disorders are still missing in action. My triggers are not. My situations are not. Today I have to admit to myself that my habits are not. I still do anxiety and depressed things.

Hunger Games
To combat the knots in my stomach, I will starve myself. I don’t even know I am doing it until I start to feel high. It feels good. Hunger is the only anesthetic that will work. I can’t call this a habit once I am aware of it. It is a choice. I have some mighty big changes coming up, positive ones! but I have been struggling with my eating habits for the last couple of weeks. I’m not far off. I have an action plan. I just haven’t executed it yet. I keep self-sabotaging. The blindspot in my psyche thinks that everything will be fine if we just stick to what we know and what we always do.

Fight or Flight
Avoidance and procrastination. I stick my head in the sand. The first thing I tend to do is come to Prosebox. It helps organize my thoughts, sure, but it also creates a fake sense of control. Tomorrow is the day I change everything! Famous last words before my ambition dies out.

Selfie-Control
When I feel the stress that comes from avoiding something, my problem-solving brain wants me to do things that feel good. Porn, shop, game, binge a show, etc. You’re not hurting when you’re high, drunk, hooking up, having that affair, binge eating, etc. My poison is: mindless routine

To feel in control, I have my routines. The things that I can do mindlessly to pass the time. I put some positive things in there like the gym. I go grocery shopping, and thrifting, yes, but I also do my coffee enemas, detox baths, I clean house, I do everything except the thing I am avoiding. Whatever it is.

Trigger Happy
Things I currently avoid. 1) Looking at my work schedule. I save this for the last second. It stresses me out because there is no structure. I finally looked at this week’s schedule today and I only work on Thursday for 6 hours. 2) Looking at my budget. I have more outcome than income right now. The outcome is my out-of-control spending. This next pay cycle is going to hurt really badly. I can make it work, I’m a wizard like that but I need to dial it in. My inner equilibrium is not balanced letting my compulsive side win. This is where I should be using the skills that my therapist taught me.

I’m avoiding HR at my new job. I don’t want to come off as needy, just yet. It is a long weekend. I only had my orientation on Thursday. My background checks are en route. I just need to get her to tell me the score. I need to know the status of my candidacy once and for all. My wage, my start date, etc. Like, where is my job offer letter? She only had one shift since my orientation so I am waiting until tomorrow, after she replies to my email that I sent on Saturday. That email was just to let her know that my background checks are being processed. Then I will kindly ask my questions. A peace of mind should follow.

Wonderlust
My podcast. This is the biggest sidequest that I have been putting off. My therapist wants me to work on it right away. He needs me to have goals to fulfill to measure my progress, essentially. Am I emotionally regulated enough to dooooo it? If it could stop turning into me making spicy content like I’m a sex worker on Onlyfans… ugh. I need to connect to this big time. I want to cover a lot of topics and I think I thought of way to do that without it being all over the place. I need to sit down and start writing down the content and start researching it. Then I can start recording it. It would be nice if I had someone to help but…

These are not bad problems. I could have worse problems. I’ve had worse problems. I don’t want to trade my problems with anybody.

ADHD
I’m just sitting at my desk stunned. I have my budget book out and my agenda book out just unable to move. ADHD paralysis has set in. I thought too big. I thought too many steps ahead. Now it’s like I am trying to jump out of a plane with a parachute, scared and excited but the plane keeps going higher and higher making it harder and harder to jump.

I don’t know what I did to make my anxiety and depression go away but did it work for ADHD? Am I just stuck with these habits as well? The brain has a metabolism just like the stomach. I think my diet restrictions contributed to my mood disorders being under control. The habits are still there, yes, but I don’t have anxiety attacks or depression attacks. It reminds me of when I took Zyban to quit smoking. It numbed out the nicotine response, I was only left with the habit. That was the hard part.

Rise and Shine
To quit smoking, I knew that I only had to quit the first cigarette of the day. I would spend the rest of the day chasing that high. My morning routines are everything. I don’t have enough structure there right now. My phone is my kryptonite. I need to review this space.

Toxic Positivity
What is the opportunity here? That is what I ask myself whenever something goes wrong that is out of my control. Fear boils down to control. I wanted a holiday and now I got one. 7 days off from my job.

My big spending? I’m not buying things I don’t need. I’m just buying them long before I need them. So to speak. This habit comes from not having any structure with my finances since 2018. I think it was 2018? I had a restaurant job for 13 years and hadn’t had any stability since. I took time off to do some soul-searching. Then the job search was impossible. I understand now why that is, thanks to my Crime Minister. I finally landed something, though it was a temp and then con-19 happened. Bev got me in where I am now. It was part-time but I was getting full-time hours. Until I wasn’t. Then I was again. I tried applying everywhere but… Canadians don’t get hired first where I was applying. Let’s just say that. Long story short, I stockpile what I can while I can.

This new gig is a good fit. I don’t want to fuck it up. It pays a lot more than what I am currently making. The work is a lot more rewarding. I’m mentoring at-risk youth. I get to do things that I actually want to do and get paid for it. I can’t even fully wrap my head around having an income that is far more than what I need.

Counter-Intuitive
Though I am struggling to eat, not by a lot! It is one meal, in general, that I get stuck on. I am fasting a bit today. I don’t know what triggered inflammation in my gut yesterday but I need to address it. Coffee enema, fasting, and anti-inflammatory this, that, and the other thing. It’s like having a stubbed toe that you keep stubbing on something. That is the experience I have in my stomach whenever I eat. My body develops a hypersensitivity to things I quit. It’s not just my brain that is dramatic. I don’t know what I ate that caused this. It started after a black iced coffee from McDonald’s… is there canola oil in it? Probably some contamination. I break my fast in two hours.

It’s a gorgeous day out. I’m going to go lay in a field and tan. I’ll bring a book. The same book I always bring and never read. “The Devil’s Pulpit” by Robert Taylor. It is a collection of sermons delivered in the early 19th century that challenge orthodox Christianity by interpreting biblical stories and religious symbolism through an astrological lens. Taylor, a controversial preacher, argues that many religious narratives are allegorical representations of celestial events and zodiac signs, questioning the literal interpretation of scripture and advocating for a more rational and symbolic understanding of religion.

I need to take a break from writing on PB. Maybe go on a farewell tour. I need to externalize instead of internalize if that makes sense. A little less conversation and a little more action please. I need a digital detox… from my usual digital vices. I’ll be using a lot of AI soon enough to help with my Podcast content. The idea is to film an episode and then break it into bite-size chunks for the rest of my socials. There is a lot behind the scenes that needs to be done first. Ugh. I’m overwhelming myself. I think I will review the work I have been doing with my therapist and then go from there. Put on my big boy pants. I have nothing but time.