Broken record in A transparent lockbox

How is it possible that after 3 years, seeing you nearby still makes me feel sick? How is it that you still have some bit of a grasp on me? I’ve never wanted to feel like I’m 20 again in that way. I would prefer if we lived in different worlds and I never had to think of you again. It would give me a peace I’ve yet to be able to find on my own. Seeing you around could mean hearing about you in ways I don’t want to. I stand in the doorway watching the dogs chasing each other in the yard and thinking about how much better my life is, yet still I feel dented by the strike you did upon me. How can I have everything I’ve ever desired; this beautiful life with so many people and things that I love, and still be made to feel something from just the sight of you? If I was in control of my brain, I’d feel nothing when I look at you or notice you near, but I can’t control it and those things make me go into a sort of fight or flight. I know that I’m a strong and beautiful person. I’ve dealt with far worse in my life, but you were just the first person to hurt me in that way and it seems to have left a scar. I am hopeful that one day I will be able to free myself from these feelings. So that maybe someday if I bumped into you at a grocery store, I wouldn’t care.