A brief entry before work. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve gotten a lot of much needed sleep this weekend and feel so much better. I hung out with my niece some yesterday and was able to get in a nap and be in bed by like 10 or so. Sleep is such an awesome thing and I am so glad I’ve gotten to make up for the sleep I lost by having Ryan come spend the night. Not going to do that again during the week....maybe ever.

So Ryan is pretty much a piece of shit. I think I’ve talked about this shit before. He’s like 36, lives with his Dad’s former friend and girlfriend, doesn’t work, doesn’t see his kid and doesn’t have a car. I can tell by hanging out with him last weekend that he has no plans to change and isn’t really someone I need to have hanging around. Well last night he started in again about being left at my house while I go to school. I don’t know if I’m just paranoid or uncomfortable with it because he says stuff about, “you think I’m a piece of shit that would steal from you” and it’s like no actually that’s not what I’m thinking but I’ve made the mistake of leaving people alone in my apartment while I’m away and it’s never been a good idea. I’ve had things come up missing, broken, people coming over without my knowledge or permission and all kinds of things have happened because I didn’t have the backbone to say no, even though I knew I didn’t want people here unattended.

It’s nothing personal as to why I don’t want him here unattended. It’s just that I don’t like being made to feel like I need to prove to him I trust him alone in my house while I go to school. It makes me question his need to be left here, ya know? Like what does he plan to do? I’m sorry but it’s just not going to happen. I’ve gone against my gut instincts before and I’m always regretting it later. I don’t have romantic feelings for Ryan nor do I feel like he’s someone I could mold into a decent human being so for him to be so pushy about being left alone in my house is a serious red flag.

It’s just crazy how people like him exist. No job, no car, nothing. Like I just don’t get it. I also wanted to go off on him when he starts talking about how he’s not going to steal from me and whatever but wants to be left here while I’m away?! Um, okay well that makes me very uncomfortable. He’s been here before and I know he’s seen what I have so I know the thought has probably at least crossed his mind to pocket at least the small things like my digital camera. I mean yeah maybe I’m reading too much into it but I’ve done that shit with people before of giving them the benefit of the doubt and I’m always sorry for it later.

Again, I’m not saying he would steal from me but I’m not going to give him the chance either. For him to be so pushy about being left here while I’m away makes me question his motives. I also think it’s bullshit because I would NEVER be pushy with someone about being left at their house like he’s been. He’s said this kind of shit to me before but I brushed it off because he was drunk but when he brought it up again last night, I just got a really bad feeling that if I did leave him here I would be sorry, very sorry. I’m not trying to be a bitch but for him to have no money, why wouldn’t he steal! He has every reason in the world to but yet he thinks I need to leave here alone?!?! Um, no thanks.

I know that if I left him here while I was gone, I would be worried the entire time what’s going on and then would be racing home to make sure that everything is okay. I’m not going to put myself through that because it’s not worth it. I’m just not going to put myself through that emotional torture, especially with someone I don’t have feelings for that is out to prove why I don’t trust people. It’s not my problem he doesn’t have his own car so that he could just leave in the morning when I have to leave so I’m not going to leave him here while I’m gone at school! Fuck that!

Time for school.