Adulthood in A new beginnging.

I have been thinking a lot about being an adult. Actually, let me rephrase that- I have been thinking about when you were younger and your parents would say something along the lines of, “time goes by fast, enjoy being young”
You know, when we were 15, 16 whatever and so craved being a grown up? I have now reached the point where I can say, “wow mom, you were right.”

It must be frustrating being a parent and telling your kids this but knowing they aren’t going to listen.

I think I am starting to get to the point where I am freaking out a bit about age. I mean, holy shit. I am 28 years old. How did that happen? Seriously, where did the time go? How has it been almost 7 years since my dad died? You blink and there goes another 6 moths…a year.

Wrapping my head around this suicide has been challenging.

Over the summer, I had been going longer stretches in between counseling appointments. 3 weeks ago I emailed my counselor and told her I had to get in and see her. Over the past month or so I have noticed some changes in myself. I have slipped back into a bit of a depression and things that were going through my head were scaring the shit out of me. I got to the point again where I was crying for no reason and I would come home from work, sleep, get up for an hour or so, and then go back to bed. An unhealthy routine. So that Monday (2 weeks ago now) I was very anxious for my appointment. I knew that I had some things that I had to tell her in order for her to be able to make the most out of my time. Telling her these things was really difficult for me. I cried more in that appointment than I ever had. But when I left I felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulder. Emotional word vomit.

To touch back on a couple things from previous entry…
I have been writing a lot of private entries. Mainly, well let’s me honest, they are all about Josh. I have been doing a lot of reflecting on when him and I first met, and the red flags that I should have seen but wasn’t able to. It is sort of like giving myself closure. I think some people ‘meet up’ with exes to try and close a chapter, but that just isn’t a possibility in Josh and my case.

Since this entry is all about being honest, I am going to say that I have been missing him. I don’t remember what the circumstance was, but I laughed so hard the other day at something, and all of the sudden the memory hit me. He would tickle me until I would like lose control laughing. That’s the memory that I had. And it was different because usually I can mope around and think about things and “oh I miss this or that” but this one just came out of nowhere, it was unexpected. I just miss the feeling of being an “us” with someone. The dating was a bust and I am just at that period (again?) of where I am feeling a little hopeless.

I want to respond. I want to email him those pictures. I want to know what happened to Tim. I want to reach out. But that will just open the flood gate.

You never can take the fight out the fish