07-Aug in --

I guess I forgot about flare-ups when I wrote my last entry. I do feel better overall thanks to the meds but I’ve had some pretty bad days. It’s usually after I spend time in the sun, and then a few days later I have a flare. I know, I shouldn’t be at the pool for a few hours… But I can’t help it. I love swimming and summer and I don’t know how to just stop doing all that.

Working full time isn’t helping either. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I can’t remember things well, I’m surprised I haven’t been fired. It’s also really stressful and stress causes flares. It’s like it feeds into it. It’s literally impossible for me to work full time, take care of the house, keep up with the kids, and my own care. I really need to stop working full time at some point but I have no idea how I’ll be able to do that. It really sucks. It makes me miserable and feels like there’s no end in sight.

It’s hard to be optimistic when I feel so bad all the time. Even on my good days, I’m not fully capable of doing everything I need to do. It’s so frustrating.

My kids are getting ready to start school. My son will be in middle school this year. I don’t know how that happened so fast. It feels like he was just a baby not that long ago! I am so anxious about him being in middle school. To be honest I just want him to be home with me so I can protect him at all costs, he’s very small for his age and he’s still very little boy-ish to me. He will be 12 in a couple of weeks. I know it’s good for him to be in school. He went to a picnic some kids from his gifted class planned and he liked it, and his anxiety has been a lot better lately. I hope that keeps up.

Lorelei will be in 5th grade. She has a lot of friends and she’s been seeing them all summer. She has had some sleepovers at my house and her dad’s house all summer and got to hang out with her friends. Even if I’m not feeling well I try to push myself to say yes when she asks to have friends over or if we can go pick them up. She’s very extroverted and it’s important to her. I think her friends are good kids too.

Maeve is going to be in first grade this year. I’m pretty worried about her going back to school… kindergarten was kinda rough for her. She didn’t like going. She struggled with focusing and remembering directions, and she had trouble with her social skills. She was also extremely tired at the end of the school day. She’s complain about headaches (had her eyes tested, they were fine). She looked pale and sickly towards the end of the school year. I actually had her iron levels tested because I was so worried about it. She wasn’t anemic but she is borderline, so she’s been taking vitamins with iron in them. She is also on a waiting list to be evaluated for ADHD and autism. She’s had a difficult time this summer with transitions between activities and going to stores. She’s had several meltdowns stemming from overstimulation. So I can see why she’s not keen on going back to school…
She’s also very attached to me and does not like to be away from me. Even at bedtime. When my bf stays at his house instead of mine, she doesn’t want to sleep in her bed most of the time and she’ll beg me to sleep in mine. I usually let her, some battles are just not worth fighting, lol.
Her current special interest is Animal Crossing, it’s all she talks about and wants to do. The book she chose to read every night at bedtime is an Animal Crossing New Horizons game guide, lol! So cute.

My bf stays over almost every night so that’s nice. He has to help me with a lot of things like driving, cooking, and cleaning. I feel really guilty about that. He doesn’t seem to mind though, I guess. He’s had a hard time with my diagnosis and stuff. He was grieving the relationship we used to have, and all the changes. I totally understand. I have been grieving a lot of it too. We’ve been together four years but it feels like longer sometimes with all the stuff we’ve been through. The early days feel like another lifetime ago.

Last updated August 08, 2024