Run Around For Payment in Journal 2024

Currently on the run around trying to get my author account verified on another site. Also found my book under some other author’s goodreads account further proving I chose a BAD pen name. Good thing I’m publishing my next novel under a new one.

But anyway, it’s midnight. Why am I still up. I have no idea. Manuel and I spoke today and he asked to buy me jewelry. My mind immediately went to you know a diamond of some kind. I declined due to circumstances (I lose jewelry BADLY) but I wanted to say yes so bad (even though he tried to bargain down the offer to a bracelet since I was worried about a ring).

I watched a good video on “Prozac Nation” and overall it made me think I have BPD again (old entries circa 2019 I speak about this). The actions of the memori writer aligned to mine very uncomfortably. I also stopped therapy BTW back in the beginning of this year, forgot to mention that. Took a class for possible psychology minors and proceeded to wreck myself this spring.

I was struggling in the class and spoke to Manuel about it. He convinced me to stay in the class and I found myself calling myself a pussy in my head from having anxiety over what I read/learned. I’ve been trying to regulate my emotions – I don’t meditate anymore, but that’s always gonna be a struggle. I was more so just feeling like the class was too real…considering my current life.

I stopped therapy because I just felt like it was a waste of my time. You may be like, well isn’t that counterproductive? You sound very stressed and you went to therapy multiple times a week for two years. To that I say, yes. But it’s too late to change that. I don’t think I ever mentioned this due to embarrassment or whatever but I tried to overdose last year and after that I decided not to tell anyone/just give up on therapy/dive into school head on.

So that left me with my GPA going from like 1.4 to 2.1 and me finally finishing half of my two degree program. I feel like I’ll be a OKAY teacher. Like unless a parent can read my brain about how much I hate myself and dread waking up, I’ll be cool. Why does everyone want me to be a teacher? Well people assume that’s all you can get while having a liberal arts degree.