Depression in Inside My Head

I’ve had diaries since I was a kid, but I have kept up the longest with this one. I started it when I was 18. I recently turned 32. Since my earliest entries I’ve noticed signs of depression and generalized anxiety that have waxed and waned in severity over the years. It’s gotten as bad as suicide attempts. I swallowed an entire bottle of Advil when I was 16. When I was 19 I drank detergent. I’ve seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist when I was younger, but they never really provided much help.

My moods have been relatively stable since recently. I used to love my job as a neurosurgery physician assistant. I honestly didn’t mind going to work. Sure, it wasn’t perfect by any means, but had you told me a year ago that I would no longer be a neurosurgery PA I would’ve laughed in your face. Recently the director of the neurosurgery program who I will call EV has downsized the program and hasn’t explained to anyone as to why or what the physician assistants’ future is with the program. In the past if a PA quit or was fired, EV would make sure to replace the PA as quickly as possible. He used to meet with myself as well as the senior member of the team to discuss any problems or concerns we had. When I gave my notice he, as well as the other neurosurgeons, didn’t even bother to respond. I know it’s just a job, but I am hurt beyond words. I worked so hard for them for five years and I don’t get even so much as a goodbye.

I have since switched from the neurosurgery team to the medicine team. I was too stressed to the point of having chest pain. The previous entry outlined how hard it is to manage an ICU by yourself with substandard nursing staff. The attendings I work for are much nicer now and the works is generally not stressful. However, they have moved me to another hospital campus which adds another 15-20 minutes onto my commute. I also am getting paid significantly less. I also won’t be able to take as many overtime shifts. I’m terrified of being poor and not be able to afford daycare. I’m terrified I should have not left neuro. I’m terrified that I won’t be a good mother because my kid will be in daycare five days a week.

I’m having really fucked up thoughts. I can’t deal.