7/29/24 in 2024

Threw my tissue box to my bed (I’ve been sick) and knocked my lamp off the table and its lamp shade off; at least the light bulb didn’t break. Walked across the room to turn off my AC and open my sliding door, got off balance and fell into a sitting position that knocked over or broke 4 of my plants, one of which I’d babied for months and finally grew back ONE leaf…I’m really sick of this. I just wish I could still be careful with things when I want to.

Another thing I want is to lose weight again, but I can’t DO anything, definitely can’t afford to choose what I eat, and I have so many more pressing things to worry about. But it’s making things so much worse and making my longterm depression harder.

I want to be INDEPENDENT. I’m even more scared that when my mom passes away, or if she has health problems, I can’t help, and I honestly don’t know how I’ll keep living.

My life feels so small, boring, and helpless.

I’ve had a big spike in suicidal thoughts lately, mostly because I just feel so alone and like such a burden.