I Just Want Nothing, Nothing. in And The Rest.

Last night I dreamed of falling, just falling.

I’m wasted, a mess, I’m shaking; I’m alone, again, as always. Black mascara tears down my face, my vision vodka-blurred soft-focus in the early-night darkness; my six-inch platforms mean the barrier is barely waist-high. So easy, so easy to climb over. I think it, I think it a thousand times, I don’t know how long I stand there, time is still.

The absolute relief of never thinking or feeling again, I want it so badly I’m carving blood from my wrists with my own nails. With everything I am, I just want to be nothing, to be gone. I don’t know how to live, I don’t know how to play the game and I’m so lost, so hopelessly, terrifyingly lost. I’m so afraid.

I don’t know how to live, I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t know how to open up, I don’t know anything. I feel so trapped, trapped alive, I’d do anything to make everything just go away. Just stop. I feel just like last time.

Last time, so sick, so blurry, the ringing in my ears, the lights so bright they hurt my eyes. The pure horror of realisation dawning on my boss’s face, finally understanding that I had come to work completely prepared to just collapse and die halfway through my shift; the pills already swallowed… Just waiting, waiting for release.

Last time, four days in hospital, my stomach emptied and my wrists tied up with drips, the kindness I don’t deserve from nurses who refuse to see me only for what I am: a stupid fuckup who is trying to kill herself, when on wards all around there are mothers, fathers, children, who are dying through no choice of their own when they would give anything to live. I can’t face the fallout, I discharge myself and run without filling out their forms.

Last time, or the time before, on the bridge, dragged away by the police in their fluorescent yellow, threatened with being sectioned, sent for therapy that didn’t work because I can’t talk. I can’t talk, I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed of my weakness and my abject failure to simply do what everyone else on this earth does all day, every day.... and cope with life.

Last updated October 24, 2014