Title is required? LOL in Friends With the Benedicts

This entry is likely gonna be long. If you read it all, you get a cookie. Prolly a nasty sugar free one, but still. Who am I kidding, I have no sugar free cookies. Just a plain ole yummy kill-ya-kind of cookie then. Anyway, hi. I know, I am sucky at this and I should be drawn and quartered, but better late than never, right? Let’s see, where to start?

My diabetes is just running wild, and I am kinda letting it. I think this is like how it was when I was first diagnosed with MS, it took a little bit before I accepted it, and actually did anything about it. I tend to have a mourning period it would seem. Well, it would seem I tend to have a problem getting diagnosed and having all sorts wrong with me, but I digress. I knew this would be a problem, say, when I was in my 50’s-60’s. I did not count on it rearing its ugly head now, and that has thrown me for a loop. I am barely managing the MS, in fact, you could say since I am not going to my neuro doc or on meds that I am not managing that at all either. It kinda sits there quietly, in the background, just reminding me every once in a while that it’s still there. This is why I am so sure now that it has gone into Secondary Progressive MS instead of Relapsing Remitting. You have to actually have a relapse to be considered still RRMS! lol. It is humbling and at the same time, I find that I am just, eh about it. Am I depressed? Not really. Do I care? Not really. This is and isn’t a problem. In a way, it is kinda freeing. But I know that I am not doing myself any favors or my health for that matter by not caring. This may be part of the mourning period. Time will tell. I am on medication for the diabetes but don’t take it because it makes me doubly tired, and the MS already does that. It wasn’t working when I was taking it tho. I would test and my sugars were consistently 170 or above, with 250 being normal. Lately they have been 360 or so on several occasions. I have stopped testing. I feel bad because Laura says if she loses me that she will have nobody to take care of her. But I feel like I need to be taken care of. Is it too early for us to go into a nursing home? LOL. I would love for a nice long hospital stay. I hate my home now. I hate the animals. There are too many of them and they are overwhelming me. When I am awake, and they are running everywhere, jumping on me and scratching me, I wanna really kill them. They had better be glad they have Laura here to protect them. Only my precious Dew Dew is safe from my hatred right now. It is not that bad all of the time, but most. I leave a lot to get away from them, but the only place I have to go is my Mom’s, and she just rescued 3 more cats from the shelter! She only has one less than us now! I feel like I am going insane, and it is a short trip. Yes there are things I can and should do, like posting ads to Craigslist or something, but does it seem to you like I have the motivation? It is sooo easy to get stuck in this mindset of hate. You know the way out, but lack the tools to do anything about it. Yes, I am taking my other meds. LOL. I would be a lot more crazy if not! Not to mention divorced! I am going to try and put an ad up tomorrow at least for one kitten. The problem is that when I do that, then I have to actually take them when I get rid of them. It may not seem like much, but to someone like me who actually fears action, the least little thing makes me wanna cry. Many days I leave early in the day and am gone all day just running in the car doing errands. My work is never done. And I am so tired. And I don’t feel good all the time. So life is not fun. And I am not happy. But I love my wife, and there are happy TIMES. I hold onto those. I live for those. It is just all dark right now. There is light, and I will get to it, but it will take time. I feel like I have been thrown back a couple of years and I am waiting to see what is wrong with me again. It’s not a good feeling. My surgery (the feminine issue, they wanna cut out a portion of my cervix to see if I have cancer) has been postponed until I can have half the city of Pensacola sign off on it. I go to the Neurologist again finally on Nov. 4th so he can, and I guess so I can talk to him about the MS and maybe get an updated MRI to see where I stand on maybe being Secondary Progressive or not. Also I guess I need to get on meds. But see I don’t feel like I need meds. I feel like I am doing just fine without them. I guess that is something the MRI will tell us as well. If I have progressed a lot, then that’s not true and I should be on them. They don’t work on symptoms anyway, so they will not make me feel any different. You cannot tell you’re even on them, save for side effects. This is why I’m not even sure I wanna bother. Is is an option. One that several people choose. Of course, those people are people who are not really bad off. I am not in a wheelchair, I can still walk unassisted, etc. so I tend to put myself in that category even tho my brain is swiss cheese. LOL

Something good tho that is new is that I got my first ever smart phone! lol. My friend Tina bought it for me for my Birthday, which was on the 29th of Sept. Yep, I am 33 now. That was kinda depressing, because the last time I was double same digits, I was 22. :( Ohhh to be that age again! And to know what I know now. ;) Anyway, the phone we purchased is a Samsung Galaxy Centura Android, and it was only $29.99. The reason she had wanted to get it for me so bad is because she’d had that exact same phone and knew it was a really good one. When she bought it, it was $129, and they had only recently been marked down to this new awesome price, which made us have to go on an extremely wild journey that took us to a neighboring city and everything to buy it. We had thought this Walmart had only one left in stock and they were holding it for us, but when we got there, the lady came out with her arms full of them! Tina had wanted to buy like 4 of em so it worked out great. She also bought me the service plan thru Walmart as well as my first month of service for $45. That price got me unlimited everything, so you can’t beat that! It’s through Virgin Mobile’s Straight Talk. I highly recommend it if you are looking for a cell phone provider with no contract. We are definitely gonna renew when we get paid on the 3rd! Laura doesn’t know it yet, but I won’t be having my phone with no service. Ha! I was sooo against cell phones and now I can’t go anywhere without mine. Well, I wouldn’t want to, because even tho we did recently get the CV axle fixed on the car (finally, I know!) It now has brake issues (tell me bout it.) so having a phone when I leave is not a bad idea just for breaking down purposes! Also, it puts Laura’s mind at ease to know she can always get ahold of me when I am out. :) I got a verrrry cute new case for it, wanna see?? Here:

And this is the front:

I love it sooo much! :)

Oh, and I have started reading again. Thanks to my Mom’s Amazon Kindle account, I can read on my phone or her tablet (I use that more often than my phone, it’s easier to see.) I can blow the text up large enough to see!! Unlike a book, which of course you cannot do. And I am not even sure where I would FIND a book with large enough print for me to read. My current read? 50 Shades Of Grey. Yea, I know. I’m a perv. Laura is just having too much fun making fun of me for reading that, but ya know what? It is actually quite interesting, all the sex aside. I mean, of course the sex is a bonus! I would be a big fat liar if I said I didn’t like reading it!! Who wouldn’t?! But it does have a plot, and a rather interesting character list to go with it. I can’t wait to start going through the books my Mom has on her list. Then we can talk about them again! It has been over 2 years since I have read!!!! It feels like a lifetime to someone who was once an avid reader - and writer. But that’s another issue we won’t go into right now. Well, I think I have made this entry about as long as it needs to be. I won’t make any promises about anything as far as coming back. I will just, see ya when I see ya. Laura would hate me for saying that. Long story on why… K, love yall! Hope everyone is OK!! I’ll try to read some diaries and leave some notes tho! Byeee!!!

Steph

Last updated October 23, 2014