what you wanted in 2013-2014

I am in a constant state of denial re: the passing of time. I’m not getting old and needing to go to bed earlier; Lena’s not getting old and needing an adjusted feeding schedule; my contract isn’t coming closer to its end date; the wedding isn’t getting any closer. Last week was a total blur and I keep conflating this week and the next, like we’re already in the last week of October. Like I haven’t been in South Carolina for almost three months, like it’s not getting colder and the days shorter, like the autumnal leaf drop hasn’t already begun and the air isn’t bone dry and the skies crystal blue.

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Nate came up to visit over the weekend. We prowled downtown and the ancient cemetery and experimented with a new barbecue place. We watched the game in his hotel room, complete with howls of rage or excitement and beer and cutting ourselves on the bottle tops because we had only carabiners and no bottle openers. Aaron told his friends that I was in another man’s hotel room all day with alcohol making sex noises, and thoroughly enjoyed their responses until he informed them that Nate is very, very gay.

It was great to see a Florida friend, to talk football and explore. Also, he has a brand new car and it is swanky, and then the weekend was over and he was heading back to Tallahassee.

*

OH. Last week. I barely remember last week because I shunted it out of memory. Aaron didn’t get the Verizon job, Jessica miscarried her baby and nearly hemorrhaged of it, my parents failed to pay the phone bill so I can’t make any phone calls or texts, Micah lost his job, I wasn’t able to pay bills because “3-5 days” turned into 14 days to get my stamps mailed to me, I can barely talk to my mom because she’s almost incommunicable, and my birth certificate copy was rejected so I’ve had to order a new one, and my residency change awaits that official document’s arrival. And I barely ate because stress + “trying to moderate portion size” and ended up losing like 2-3 pounds, but that lack of eating meant that working out was a futile gesture. Awesome, right?

Yeah, so let’s pretend last week didn’t happen.

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The one good thing of last week was that it was week 6 of my contract. It was an 8 week contract, so I emailed my ‘manager’ and inquired as to now what. He let me know that the contract had been extended to 14 weeks, so I’m employed at least into December. Hooray!

Then came the mixed hoorays–I talked to my office boss, Jason. The woman I’m replacing wants to come back November 3 (the original 8 weeks). But they’re talking to HR and awaiting emails back from the bigger bosses upstate, and he is very adamant about wanting to keep me forever, and looking for a way to do that. That might mean working for the Columbia office 90 miles away. This might mean long-distance commutes. This might mean working remotely. No one really knows right now. There is a lot of uncertainty. Aaron is equally adamant about me not spending 3 hours a day on the road.

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At church, we talked to People. Our officiant of choice may or may not be available. Stay tuned. But we should get official confirmation of the building reservation in the next week, so then we can finally send out invitations and start putting down reservations and race registrations.

(Because there’s a 5k mud run the week before and the 10k bridge run the week after the honeymoon and we make bad life choices.)

So at least that’s happening. Meep.

I actually kind of enjoyed church on Sunday. It’s still not my favorite flavor and I still have a lot of questions, but I’m still meeting with missionaries and working my way through everything. (And rereading Hebrews, just to stay straight.) Two Sundays ago was moral codes, basically, which don’t apply to me as a non-member and are way too strict for my liking–but, but but but, in terms of tithing and time spent with God and observing the Sabbath, there were things I really needed to hear, and that I’ve been chewing on since. Ways that my behavior can improve. This week was more about loving people, about the benefit of the doubt and seeing even obnoxious strangers as brothers and sisters, and reminding me all over again how my favorite aspect of the church is the laser focus on charity and love. It’s very outwardly focused, and I really like that.

Aaron and I are still going through the pre-marriage devotional. This week hit on selfishness, particularly with time, which is something that we do acknowledge as a challenge. It’s hard to go from being single and doing whatever you like to splitting your time and sharing workloads, to not spontaneously committing to new things and having to go back and ask did we have plans for that day. We’re both so stingy with our Saturdays and always going back and forth over whose turn it is to come over. One of these will automatically resolve when he moves in with me. The other will take a while. We’ll figure it out.

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I registered us for Homecoming. I’m performing. Aaron and my dad have guest tickets in the adjacent section. Cat, my old roommate, is letting me borrow her shirt and save $30. I’m dreading the drive down and finding a pet solution, but I really just need to get over that.

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Heather comes up on Friday night! My bestie! We can squeal and hug and cuddle and then go wedding dress shopping on Saturday, probably become nicely demoralized at dress prices, and go eat our carby, breakfasty feelings at IHOP. I am very excited. I haven’t seen her in forever, and together we can try to Skype or FaceTime Jessica and maybe remotely love on her? We’re more or less the only ones besides family who know about baby Michael and how she’s still too physically weak to attend his funeral and mass in Florida. (She’s okay with this. She doesn’t think she could handle it.)

The whole thing is bitterly, horribly, awfully heartbreaking. I don’t even like seeing infant graves in the cemeteries I wander, let alone knowing that a good friend’s child is in one hundreds of miles away.

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Running is going alright. I’m definitely locked on the treadmill now, and bringing the inhaler. Goodbye, warmth. Up to 6 minute-run intervals with a straight 10+ minutes at the end. I’ve discovered that the main theme to Pacific Rim gives me another almost 5 minutes of up-tempo run for free, because music is magic. My average pace is coming down, which is pretty cool. I’m starting to burn out a little–treadmills are boring–so next month is going to be an easier month with more focus on strength training. Aaron noticed and is excited that my waist is becoming more defined and my hip bones are prominent again. He is such excellent motivation. (Vanity. It always comes back to vanity.)

Bedtime. Time to shovel more high-calorie food down the cat’s throat and then cuddle up. I stole one of Aaron’s shirts to sleep in. I’m not sorry.

I want my wedding ring. My engagement ring looks small and lonely.