Moo in Current Events

Every Saturday starts the same way. I get triggered by my roommate. Her cheek, her nerve, her gall, her audacity, and her gumption. I do not want to let it ruin my day. I’ll let the rain take care of that. I’m going to feel so trapped this weekend. It’s raining all weekend.

What does my roommate do to trigger me? Nothing. Literally, nothing. We are grown-ass adults but she is 38 going on 17. The apartment does not clean itself. The pantries don’t fill themselves. I’ll be doing the chores and she will put on her Saturday morning cartoons. I promise you, it isn’t hard it is just menacing to see a person so blatantly useless. Just shameless. She doesn’t have the self-awareness to change her behavior. We’ve talked about this before but it always comes back to this. And she wonders why the men in her life don’t want to date her. She’s not girlfriend material, let alone wife material. Quite frankly, she is barely friend material if you read a couple of entries back. We’re almost in our 40s for Christ sake. She just woke up and I can tell that she has decided to stay in useless cow mode because she is hiding in her room.

So I’m stuck inside all weekend. What’s the opportunity? I can work on my crisis list. I am slowly working on my crisis list. I’ve been tackling the big stuff. I finally sent my tax return. I found a car that I want. I applied for financing through the dealership. I was in worse shape the last time I got a car from them so I’m feeling optimistic. I predict that the car will not be available and they will try to sell me something more expensive. I’m open to it. Once I get that car, I am practically in at that non-profit. Alex told me that I would likely be getting the evening shifts. For what they pay an hour, I am okay with that. I don’t want this to be my forever job. I can do both jobs. January is when I am back in school so I got time to save money.

Yesterday was very menacing. I was suddenly aware that the compulsive part of my psyche was in the driver’s seat. I couldn’t will myself to do much. I saw the ADHD in me. I had task paralysis. My brain wants the biggest dopamine hit possible. This idea is to save it all for today. Not a big deal, just kind of disturbing. Where does will end and where does it begin? I’m halfway through the book No Bad Parts and I need to develop a relationship with all these aspects of myself. Cultivate an internal family system. They are all trying to help. The brain is a problem solver. I’m dopamine deficient and my compulsive little gremlin is trying to sop up dopamine for me. In a captured essence, I should be able to thank him and then let him know that I am the adult and that I can manage it on my own. That’s the idea with all the parts. Of course, I intend to find a way to fix this altogether, holistically. It’s a deficiency, the brain has a metabolism. There has to be something there. There is a Harvard doctor and I keep meaning to explore his work about this matter because his approach aligns with terrain theory. Not that I think he knows it.

Anyway, my coffee is done. If the rain doesn’t start soon I will go to the gym at least. It’s leg day. Maybe the used car dealership will call me and tell me everything is approved and to come on down. Fingers & legs crossed. I checked the forecast, and there is no rain today. That’s a win.

Oh, my stomach has not been a happy camper. I can feel that it is not bloating but inflammation now. I felt hesitant to eat a curry that I bought in bulk for lunches. I stash food in my locker at work. My break in case of emergencies. It is just a pouch that you can throw in a microwave. I was hungry on my last break and didn’t pack a snack. I noticed yesterday that it has corn starch. That is one of my big nono’s. No wheat, no corn, and no canola. They are GMOs and canola is an engine lubricant. The FDA has even classified it as not fit for human consumption. I didn’t vet it well enough, apparently. I always felt heavy after eating it but did it anyway. Now I know why.

Last updated July 06, 2024