I'm ready for some new people in my life. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so it’s already been a pretty hectic week and it’s only Wednesday. I didn’t get much of a chance to study for my test this morning and I am very sure to have failed it. I also haven’t gotten shit for sleep because Ryan spent the night Monday night and we were up late talking and what not. But, I’m ready for a fucking break from everything.

I hung out with my family on Saturday and had to buy them beer, gas, and cigarettes because God forbid I hang out with them and not spend money. Well, I need my Mom to help me out with a ride tomorrow to and from the shop as I have to leave my car for them to replace the ignition and had to give her gas, AGAIN! I am so fucking sick of giving those people money that I could fucking burst! I put the gas in her car and then came home just fuming because I’m so tired of being drained by them and their choices. I had no one to talk to so I ended up calling her and going the fuck off. I generally don’t say much to them as it doesn’t do any good but I seriously had to let her know that this is why I stay away from them and I’m sick of having to give them money whether she’s working or not. She of course doesn’t really understand where I’m coming from and that makes me even more angry then getting used for money. I have just fucking had it and I really wish I had any friends that could have helped me out so that I wouldn’t have had to even ask my parents but of course, there’s no one to help me out.

Things are just really getting to me. I had to work with that bitch that doesn’t like me on Sunday and she was just pissing me off by acting like I didn’t exist and that makes me more mad than I can even articulate into words. I had to close with her and didn’t get to eat so that put me in a bad mood and then having to deal with someone who won’t talk to me and pretends like I don’t exist was about pushing me over the edge especially when there’s no point in saying anything to the boss, especially until I get my raise because I don’t want this to fuck it up for me.

I’m also pissed that I have no one I can ever really rely on for anything, even emotional support. Everyone pretty much ignores me and I’m also really starved for affection. I’m so tired of being completely on my own and the past few days it’s been really wearing me down. Sometimes I just wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. I am so fucking sick of being lonely and having to figure everything out without any help unless I pay someone. I feel like I’m on the verge of just completely shutting down. I really wish my car was paid off so that I could make take a week off from work and just hang out at home. Get a break from everyone I work with and all the bullshit.

Sometimes I still feel like I’m still fighting a losing battle. The battle where I try to feel so connected to other people while they don’t care whether I’m dead or alive. I really don’t believe anyone gives a fuck about me. I’m so alone and most of the time, I’m comfortable with it but then there are times where I think it would be nice to have people to spend my time with that actually value me and make me feel loved and wanted, not needed. I just really miss having people to feel connected to. I haven’t had that in so long and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m actually pretty sick of just doing my own thing and being by myself.

I have to go to work soon. I’m in a horrible mood and would rather die than have to go to that fucking dump. I also worry about if I will actually get a raise or if they even really plan to promote me. Sometimes I wonder if they just said that so I don’t quit. I wonder if I’ll just be in ‘training’ for awhile and then nothing will even be said about more money or whatever. This place has done nothing but fuck me over and fill my head full of broken promises for a year so they’ve lost a lot of credibility with me. I just really wish I could find something else that I would enjoy so I could get the fuck out of there. I’m honestly so sick of the bullshit there. They also want me to start working Sundays again and I’m going to have to put a stop to that because I want one day out of the whole week where I can just hang out at home, study, and get some shit done around here. I’m tired of giving so much of my time to a place that doesn’t pay very well, doesn’t appreciate me and most of the time doesn’t treat me that great.

I’m super grumpy today and hope to God nobody pushes my buttons. I have just completely had it with everything and just want to run away. I work so hard at my job, at losing weight and even with school and feel like I’m getting nowhere. I just failed another fucking test, I’m still not losing fucking weight and I’m NEVER GOING TO GET A FUCKING RAISE! Seriously, I’m almost 30 and make minimum wage! I also could have a better job but turned down 2 job offers because I was promised more than what I’ve received where I’m at so yeah I’m a little bit pissed off!

So ready to just give up. I really don’t know how much more I can take of life. I try so hard to be a good person but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. I still go to bed alone. I work my ass off for nothing. My paychecks aren’t even enough to cover my fucking rent. I’ve given up soda, sweets, and fast food but the weight isn’t coming off. I just want to know when I’m going to start seeing results in anything!

I gotta go. Maybe I’ll get lucky and die in a fucking car wreck.