TL

Tom the Broken in Current Events

  • July 2, 2024, 5:34 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

I did not go to bed pleased about my weekend last night. I feel like I wasted it. This is nothing new but I feel fed up, officially.

ADHD, it’s like being told that there is something wrong with my legs. I can learn to get the most out of walking but I will never run, I will never climb and I will never swim. Last night I was feeling frustrated with how my brain works. I want to run. I want to be in control. If there is a will there is a way.

I remembered something I learned from a TedTalk. It is what set me on my path 9 years ago. Everything has already been done before. Whatever it is, somebody already did it and they wrote a book about it. They have a blog or a podcast. Whatever it is that you think you can’t do, somebody already did it and they are telling you how you can do it too. Basically, no excuses!

I can do it and I know it. This is why I beat myself up so much. I need to figure out how. Doing things my way is not going to work. I’m on the right track with my cognitive behavioral therapy. I have to do things his way and I know it. So what’s the problem here? I think too big, for starters. I intellectualize way too much. It is my thinking that I need to reprogram. I need to learn how to harness my big brain energy. It’s a mess because my emotions are not regulated, in the end. I try to process my emotions through the wrong organ, in a captured essence.

The pain isn’t happening when you smoke, get drunk, eat garbage, binge a show, make that purchase, have that affair, etc.

My overthinking self induces this task paralysis. I don’t just think of the next step, I think of every single step. This is like being afraid of heights and trying to skydive. My brain senses danger and turns off. This is because I am not emotionally regulated.

I got chatGPT to help me organize my thoughts a bit and help me prioritize my tasks. While I was doing that, I remembered what I needed to do to quit smoking. I just needed to quit the first cigarette of the day so that I wouldn’t spend the rest of the day chasing that high. My morning routines are paramount. Momentum is the key here, with ADHD. I have to build it and it will just have to start small. Infinitesimally small. My positive feedback loop is a system of mindless self-indulgence that was created to get as many little dopamine hits as possible. Doom scrolling, pornography, procrastination, etc.

I managed to get through the day feeling pretty stable. I started my day off with a different routine. I need to stay mindful. It’s going to be baby steps. It’s the end all be all of solutions. I started the book No Bad Parts. This is the route my therapist wants to take. I think it will be a good fit as well. My inner equilibrium is not balanced. I don’t know my inner world as well I thought. I don’t know myself as much as I thought.

There was also a lot of tension between my roommate and me over the weekend. We did not say one word to each other. I don’t think we even looked at each other. She is probably picking up that I am cross with her. I want to care. I am too vindictive and spiteful for that right now. I care enough to choose silence over violence.

I did not get enough sleep last night. I had to nap which has thrown me off a bit. My little portion of coffee better not keep me up late. This will be the end of my balancing act for the rest of the week. Sleep is such a high priority for me. I am thinking about going to the gym this evening. It is going to be way too busy but I didn’t go over the weekend. What I did do this weekend was go to the beach. I got my day in the sun. I got the sunburn to prove it. It was glorious. If the weather is right, I am going this weekend with my sister. Lenstar is coming with her boys as well. Next weekend we are driving to a small town with a harbor to spend a nice day out of the city.

Journaling is part of my process. Sorry PB!


Loading comments...

You must be logged in to comment. Please sign in or join Prosebox to leave a comment.