Tom the Broken in Current Events

I did not go to bed pleased about my weekend last night. I feel like I wasted it. This is nothing new but I feel fed up, officially.

ADHD, it’s like being told that there is something wrong with my legs. I can learn to get the most out of walking but I will never run, I will never climb and I will never swim. Last night I was feeling frustrated with how my brain works. I want to run. I want to be in control. If there is a will there is a way.

I remembered something I learned from a TedTalk. It is what set me on my path 9 years ago. Everything has already been done before. Whatever it is, somebody already did it and they wrote a book about it. They have a blog or a podcast. Whatever it is that you think you can’t do, somebody already did it and they are telling you how you can do it too. Basically, no excuses!

I can do it and I know it. This is why I beat myself up so much. I need to figure out how. Doing things my way is not going to work. I’m on the right track with my cognitive behavioral therapy. I have to do things his way and I know it. So what’s the problem here? I think too big, for starters. I intellectualize way too much. It is my thinking that I need to reprogram. I need to learn how to harness my big brain energy. It’s a mess because my emotions are not regulated, in the end. I try to process my emotions through the wrong organ, in a captured essence.

The pain isn’t happening when you smoke, get drunk, eat garbage, binge a show, make that purchase, have that affair, etc.

My overthinking self induces this task paralysis. I don’t just think of the next step, I think of every single step. This is like being afraid of heights and trying to skydive. My brain senses danger and turns off. This is because I am not emotionally regulated.

I got chatGPT to help me organize my thoughts a bit and help me prioritize my tasks. While I was doing that, I remembered what I needed to do to quit smoking. I just needed to quit the first cigarette of the day so that I wouldn’t spend the rest of the day chasing that high. My morning routines are paramount. Momentum is the key here, with ADHD. I have to build it and it will just have to start small. Infinitesimally small. My positive feedback loop is a system of mindless self-indulgence that was created to get as many little dopamine hits as possible. Doom scrolling, pornography, procrastination, etc.

I managed to get through the day feeling pretty stable. I started my day off with a different routine. I need to stay mindful. It’s going to be baby steps. It’s the end all be all of solutions. I started the book No Bad Parts. This is the route my therapist wants to take. I think it will be a good fit as well. My inner equilibrium is not balanced. I don’t know my inner world as well I thought. I don’t know myself as much as I thought.

There was also a lot of tension between my roommate and me over the weekend. We did not say one word to each other. I don’t think we even looked at each other. She is probably picking up that I am cross with her. I want to care. I am too vindictive and spiteful for that right now. I care enough to choose silence over violence.

I did not get enough sleep last night. I had to nap which has thrown me off a bit. My little portion of coffee better not keep me up late. This will be the end of my balancing act for the rest of the week. Sleep is such a high priority for me. I am thinking about going to the gym this evening. It is going to be way too busy but I didn’t go over the weekend. What I did do this weekend was go to the beach. I got my day in the sun. I got the sunburn to prove it. It was glorious. If the weather is right, I am going this weekend with my sister. Lenstar is coming with her boys as well. Next weekend we are driving to a small town with a harbor to spend a nice day out of the city.

Journaling is part of my process. Sorry PB!