Life Dysmorphia in Current Events

I was trembling during my therapy session today. Not from discussing my childhood trauma but from discussing what I’m truly passionate about. I talked about what I wanted to discuss in my podcast. His face cracked. Jaw dropped. Eyes lit up. He fell back into his chair he was so blown away and excited.

In our session, he asked me what my anger would have to say to me if it could speak. I was tongue-tied because… it never had a voice. We talked a lot about my childhood. I told him my horror stories that made me an angry and violent child. I went through anger management with a counselor where I first learned to suppress that emotion. It was not safe. I took that too far, I think that is safe to say. I suppress them all. He doesn’t like that I always paint myself as a monster. Especially when I talk about myself as a child. Children are not evil.

The hyper-critical side of me, we talked about that as well. I had to give them names. My anger is Scorpio-Mars. The inner voice that always puts me down is Saturn. I’m a Capricorn, that’s just how it is. He gave me an example of how he processes something because it is very similar to how I do it and I responded, “So… how long have you been a Scorpio?” I couldn’t resist. It was so obvious. He was gagged. His birthday is November 20th. I think his Mercury is in Sagittarius. I would bet on it.

He wants me to do yoga. I’m the perfect candidate for it, and I know it. Doing things my way is not working so I have to take his advice. I need to bring myself into the present. Into the space I am in. I’m not experiencing my outer world proportionally to my inner world. I need to create a balance by letting go of the weight I carry. I need to be bigger than my thoughts. I think this is where I should channel my chart ruler, Venus.

Imagine a Venn diagram with two circles. On the left is what I can do mindlessly. It is routine. That is the compulsive side of my psyche that I battle with. On the right side are my tasks, my goals, everything I need to get what I want. The space between them where they intersect is my battlefield. Getting things from the right side to the left side is where the drama is. When I say I need to restructure my habits, it is to get as many positive things to the left as possible. Nothing can be taken out of it. I can only bury it under bigger better things. I’m not emotionally regulated enough to be a natural at it. Yet.

I feel compelled to go to the gym but I am saving it for tomorrow. I am starting to care too much about my fitness. I don’t have time for body dysmorphia.

Speaking of dysmorphia. I saw a TikTok that gave me something to think about. A comedian explained in a podcast how people have Life Dysmorphia. They are not seeing how good their lives are. I struggle with that as well. Gratitude is an area I need to work on. What I want to do is go get a board for my room so that I can slowly build a vision board and things like that. I will save that for tomorrow.

I always feel like I need to be doing something. I am off until Tuesday. I have a lot to think about. This is why my compulsiveness is trying to make me go to the gym or go shopping. I’m just restless. I also took some THC oil so I’m that as well.