Funky Fresh in The New Book

I feel out of it. I slept okay last night. Better than usual, really. Still, I feel …off.

I’m very likely gonna have go under the knife again. I’m having horrible GI issues because of all the adhesions from my other 3 surgeries. That’s had my head really messed up since I found out. I want to bury my head in the sand over it but I know can’t. I’ve got way too much I need to be healthy for now.

I’ve started meds. No heavy hitters. I can’t say that they’re helping. They’re also not making things worse. I’m not really a fan of my psychiatrist. He seems a bit dismissive. I do adore my therapist. She makes me delve deeper, is insightful, and helps me target my chaos. I’m definitely still very much a work in progress, “work” being the operative word. It’s not easy.

My psychiatrist says I’m doing too much. I am all over the place. There’s just so much time lost. I want to do everything all at once but it’s obviously exhausting me. I don’t even feel like I do that much. If you ask me, I think I spend too much time on the sofa playing hay day. If you ask me what I WANT to do though, my answer would be that I want to veg on the sofa & play hay day.

I am repairing relationships with family.

My Sister & I had a GREAT night a couple weekends ago. We went & I had drinks for the first time at a bar. We had shots sent over to us. We had Taco Bell to end the night. I made the comment that it was a top tier night. My Sister thought that was hilarious but I wasn’t kidding! I also got my first tattoo with her a couple weeks ago.

My Mom & I text Wordle results nearly everyday. We have breakfast/lunch with my Sister nearly every Sunday. I love it that there is always the possibility of having a weekend plan with them. Some days it feels like a chore but that’s not because of the company. I’m just not used to having obligations outside of the house so regularly.

I go out with my son every Thursday night. That’s not easy because his mental health is not controlled. He made a passing comment about suicide the other night. That prompted an offer for inpatient treatment & very lengthy discussion. As hard as it can be, I’m very glad to be in contact with him again. I know it’s important for him & for me. I just want so much more for him but it’s hard to know exactly what he will even be able to achieve with the way his mind works. MY psychiatrist offered to see him pro bono. I don’t want to waste the doc’s time but I am going to offer that to my son tonight. We’ll see how that goes.

I am counting calories through a cool app. I bought a food scale to help be more accurate. I don’t always stay on target but I’m honest about it. I was going to the gym regularly to swim but had to stop for a few weeks because of the tattoo. I can’t wait to get back to it. I love swimming so much! I have been trying to walk at the park while not being able to swim but it’s getting so hot that I hate it. I tried going to the gym & walking the treadmill but for some reason being on the main floor of the gym makes me incredibly anxious. I know that’s why I’ve been avoiding the exercise the last couple days. Well, that & this off feeling that’s got me stuck. I gained some weight back this week but overall I’ve lost nearly 20lbs so THAT’s the important takeaway.

I am in love. It’s been a long time coming. We are also a work in progress but it’s amazing to be accepted, truly SEEN, & most importantly genuinely loved back. We are imperfect but our imperfections complement each other in the best of ways.

Last updated August 16, 2024