selfish in Hi This is Kat!

Lately I have been feeling a bit sad and yet selfish! I would love to go make Jo come over and sit by the pool and talk brainless bestie talk! I hate to admit this but I feel a little put off and forgotten maybe just sat aside… but that is selfish of me. I realize Jo is a very sick gal. she probably doesn’t even feel like watching TV much less entertaining conversation. I wasn’t even thinking about HER feelings but I really did not think she was this bad.
I believe this is the beginning of the end....
Jo is not making excuses to not come over she is ill and does not feel like doing anything! I know I never made her feel that way, I just kept that in myself.
BUT in all reality everything to do with death is somewhat selfish on the ones left behind. I am selfish to want her to just keep hanging on for me because I need her in my life! I am going to try to be better! I am going to try to support her wishes just like I said I would when I became her power of attorney. I have to respect that she still has a choice to not go to the hospital until she can’t handle it any longer. It should not be my choice as she told me years ago that she might not want to prolong death if she was dying. So we agreed she has free will of deciding when she goes to hospital and when she leaves the hospital. I can make her go only if she is not able to make that decision. AND THAT IS FAR HARDER than you might think! I would love to go over there and force her into my car and make her go to the ER… She would hate me for that and probably would leave the hospital on her own. That is why she made me POA because she knows I will respect all her last wishes.
When you are dying from cirrhosis you have many years to plan out what you want and how you want it. We always hoped it would be 5 or 6 more years down the line. BUT once she turned to decompensated cirrhosis we knew it was less than 5 years… it was something we tried hard to not think it was coming so soon… yet she continued to drink… another selfish feeling! I always thought she loved me enough to be able to quit drinking so we could have 10 or 15 years… but 3 or 4 years ago she started to have bleeding varices, and she would throw up blood and have black poop… next it turned into anemia and I guess other issues were forming. two years ago was her first hospital stay for low hemoglobin.
Next it affected her kidneys too… and that was involved in her 2nd hospital stay also it was harming her brain! her ammonia level was very high that was in September and the start of her down fall… she started drinking very heavy and hanging out in casinos. I think she was hiding from the latest hospital news as I did not heard what all they told her but I think they told her she had less than a year to live. Our doctor told me in November that he thought she had 3 to 6 months going only by the hospital numbers. He also told me that usually a person’s third hospital stay is their last…
Around Jan or Feb Jo started to say she was sleeping a lot and she pees every 10 mins because of kidney disease .... about a month or so ago she said she was bloated. She is so malnourished that I could not tell and all I could see was bones!

so that’s where we are today.... her belly is swollen like a pregnant woman… I have not seen her I am going by what she says. She does not want me to see her like this… even thought she is going thru all of this… she is still worried about me. she said it would kill me to see her like that. :(