Once More With Feeling in Current Events

It’s a beautiful day. It was a gorgeous weekend. It was a gorgeous week. They were the longest days of the year with the sun closest to its center of force. Happy Summer Solstice!

I spent most of my weekend at my computer desk in the darkest corner of the apartment. This is where I lose myself in my video games. My current addiction. This is where I write on PB. This is where I do everything. I didn’t have this space for a while. Being able to buy a new computer was the highlight of the year. Couldn’t have done it without my car being written off. Oh, look what I found. I found a silver lining. I feel like I’m wasting away, however. I want a hot girl summer.

As I was walking to the gym this morning, I felt disturbed by the fact that I experience my inner world more than I do my outer world. I want to live. I want to feel alive.

Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
And I can’t even see
If this is really me
and I just want to be
alive!
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The compulsive part of my psyche is still in control. Even when I write on PB. It is that compulsive little demon in control. I feel compelled to write. I should go for a walk. I should go on a date! I should be doing so much more. I’m still suck in analysis paralysis.

I can’t seem to let myself enjoy anything. I didn’t even put on my music or put on an audiobook on my walk to the gym this morning. I figured I would enjoy the walk. Be in the present. I’m too emotionally dysregulated to enjoy anything. I have to find something to be upset about. I mask it but the experience is always spoiled. I can’t just be content and happy. Is this forever? It feels like it has been this way my whole life. I’m just a miserable cow.

I have 99 problems and I don’t have school in the way. I had it in my mind that I would dive in and save my world. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. Do you know who I am being hard on? My roommate. I just wrote a private entry about her. It was brutal. It ended with me saying how she represents the worst version of myself. Then I felt bad. She is doing her best. Can’t I just accept that I am doing my best? Everything is just going to have to be in baby steps. I think too big, that is the problem. When it came to studying, all I had to do was open my notes. My mind saw how far I had fallen behind. It pictured me struggling to write the tests. It was like bracing myself to jump out of a plane to skydive. My brain shut down because it sensed danger. Like it would make you hesitate to put your hand on a hotplate. I understand that it is ADHD paralysis now. Knowing the problem is half the solution. Oh, look I found another silver lining.

I was one step closer to filing my tax return than I was last week. Naturally, something has to go wrong. I’m on PB trying to calm down. This is so frustrating. My taxes could not be easier. I refuse to pay someone to do it. I don’t have extra chromosomes, I should be able to manage this much. Literally, I just need to hit a transmit button to Netfile my tax return. It says my CRA account is locked when it is not. Can’t anything go right with this shit? Every.Single.Year.Something.Goes.Wrong and it is always with my fucking goddamn CRA account. Always. It is never anything else. I always end up having to call CRA which is an absolute menace. At least my tad refund is decent. Oh, I found another silver lining thingy.

My shifts dropped to part-time next week. Where was this when I was in school? I need to finance a car, it is not going to go well when I am working part-time. The kicker is that I have a full-time job waiting for me once I do. This pressure is giving me that ADHD paralysis I was talking about. It’s no longer me just me reaching out to the dealership, it is me trying to finance it. Me quitting a job I like and me starting a new job. Me wondering if any of it will work out as NOTHING EVER DOES! Statistically speaking, not a single thing has gone my way this year. I can’t even remember the last time something did. I can’t bring myself to take any action now. I have to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand.

I have a session with my therapist on Thursday. I don’t know what to say or think. Just perform open-mind surgery and fucking fix me god damn you. He always states that I have a very powerful brain. Like he is impressed. Inspired that it will serve me here. It will not. It is the problem. I am an intellectualizer. I’ll get ChatGPT to explain why this is a problem.

Being an intellectualizer in therapy can be problematic because it involves focusing excessively on rational analysis and intellectual understanding of issues rather than experiencing and expressing emotions. This can hinder emotional processing and prevent the individual from addressing underlying feelings and emotional conflicts, thereby limiting the effectiveness of therapeutic interventions aimed at emotional healing and personal growth.

Do I fly to the Amazon rainforest to do ayahuasca? Is that what I need to do? There is a new season of The Boys on Prime. There is a superhero named Sister Sage. She is the smartest person in the world. She also has moderate regeneration abilities. She performs lobotomies on herself to take a break from her superbrain. There is a scene where she gets someone to perform that for her. He sticks it in her eye socket, hits the spot and she tells him to scrap it. As he does, she reacts the way someone does when they finally scratch that itch they couldn’t reach. I really felt that. The best I can do is lobotomize myself with positive thinking. Just gaslight myself into thinking that I am experiencing shitty situations wrong. Just think positive. Look at the bright side. You don’t feel like shit in proportion to your shitty situation, you are failing to be a positive person. Raise your vibrations, manifest better, you are dragging down the frequency of the collective consciousness man. Fuck I want to punch these assholes in the throat sometimes. Get a grip you chakra thumping thunder cunt!

Okay, my mood is going south. Just like sun, it’s all downhill from here. I’m going to go meal prep and sulk while I do so. Or maybe I’ll just put on some tunes and just dance to remind myself that I have a body. That I am in a space. Not in my fragile little head. THC oil is in order as well. Yup. That’s the plan. I’ll finish the leg workout I started this morning while I’m at it. I am really missing wine and cigarettes.