Still unstable and violent. in 1st

So I got up earlier than I wanted to so I could run that paperwork over to the apartments for Alicen this morning before court. The office didn’t open till 9 and I needed to be at court at 9 for mom so the only option was an envelope and a phone call as soon as I could after 9. Before I was even ready to leave for that someone had gotten in the shower and as I feared it was my father. There have been at least 10 times from various people over the last 2-3 weeks where one of us (mom, Scott, Rocky, or I) have told him she didn’t want him there. He was up taking a shower getting ready because he was going anyway. Against her wishes because “I”m her husband” and that was his only argument. Scott pointed out how it was no wonder then why they are not together he has complete lack of respect and thinks he’s entitled to something just because they got married. They have been separated for 5+ years now.... when he’s around he’s up moms ass and needs her attention as if he has done anything to deserve it. … This mornings “conversation” turned into a yelling match and at one point Scott asked him how much he had in the bank. He said 2,000 and I lost it. In a serious way. I was screaming for him to get his shit and move out. I pay rent, Rocky pays rent and he pays nothing. I pay for the electricity he uses for the shop and he ONLY has 2,000 in the bank. Think about that a second. Rocky and I have been here about 2 years now.... in 2 years (and more than that before we moved in) he hasn’t paid Scott one penny in rent. NOT ONE! I am managing paycheck to paycheck and helping where I have to and shouldn’t… shouldn’t because other bills go unpaid. Rent still gets paid and he can’t manage that and doesn’t do anything so anyone but himself. I was screaming all kinds of shit about how he needed to get his things and leave and how he made me sick with his lack of respect for others. I was blindly frustrated and pissed off. I hit him… I’d say a good 10 times on the chest. Like a frustrated child with the pinky side of my fist. … he wasn’t listening… I’d make him listen… he said “you hit me one more time and I’ll deck you” OH OH OH I leaped forward to get up in his face and dare his ass on the empty threat… he was “asking” for it after all.... but… Rocky had looped my arms and was seriously holding me back.... he was struggling at it too… but he was holding me back. He finally said he wouldn’t come… and went up to his cave.

Seriously, I would not have cared if he hit me. I would not have cared if he broke my jaw, bloodied my lip, broke my nose… whatever… he would not have gotten up I bet my life on it. Rocky was all about “If he had hit you” after the fact but it would have been my lifetimes worth of anger putting him to the floor. For not standing up for me when he should have when I was 5… for all the bills I paid at 12 just so I had water to take a shower with and lights to do homework by.... for all the things I couldn’t have that were basic to most children… for all the weekends mom and dad weren’t home and I needed them.... for not being there when he should have.... not listening when he should have… and not giving a shit when he did listen.... he would have been out cold while I was kicking the life from his skull....

I laugh as I say this “I’m not a violent person really” .... I’m not… something is going wrong… or has gone wrong.... but these 2 have pushed me… have fondled my buttons a little too much lately and it will not be tolerated. I am too stressed out to deal with their bullshit. Another less violent entry about court and mom next....