"Nervous" in 2020s

The other day I was remembering “Nervous.” He would now be 84 years old if he were still alive. He was so sure he would make it to his 80s, yet he died of a heart attack at 54. I’m now older than he was when he died!

I remember when Andy and I tried to call him one day in late 1995, only to be surprised to find his number was disconnected.

I forgot about this part, but when I checked my 1996 journal, I mentioned being out by the pool and hearing a cough that sounded like his nervous cough (our house was on a corner, and I’m sure it was someone walking by). That prompted me to see if I could find out what was up with him.

Unable to find a listing for him via Information, I called his mother, who died nine years later. This was when I learned from her that he had a heart attack, and they didn’t know what caused it. He was gone before they even got him to the hospital.

I wonder certain things about him that I didn’t think to wonder about when I was young. I wonder what it was like for him in the end and if he suffered.

Part of me feels guilty for using him for rides like I did, but he also could have said no. He was just so damn obsessed with me and I admit I took advantage of that. As he told me, I looked like his first wife.

Last updated June 17, 2024