Here for my fix in Age 36

strong textFrom my entries of mental health I have noticed that there are a lot of people who relate to what I am saying. Your comments are…comforting. It sucks that any one of us are going through this, but to know, to really know that there are others that feel as I do and tell me I’m not alone....Gosh…you don’t know how good that makes me feel.

That being said, I am here because I need to vent, to unload my mind…or my heart? Dunno which one. Both? Let’s see if I can put this into words. I just got off of working 5 days in a row. It was more of 3 on, one off, and then two more. I did not schedule myself that way, I think my boss did it as a ‘screw you.’ Point being, that working 12 hours that many days in a row with little ones does a bit to you. For one, you feel so so guilty for not being there for them. You’re gone a long time. I felt guilty for not being there to play with them, that I was stuck at working having to take care of others when all I want to do is care for my own.

Two, I like cooking for them. I like making sure that my little ones are fed and that there are things that they can eat at home besides junk. So I defrost something over night and then wake up about 30 minutes earlier than usual and make it. But my anger and resentment towards my schedule and boss start to grow. Then utter bs happens at work, which I will not get in to, but that too, feeds into my growing storm. I finally get a day off and I am able to take my kids to the park with a splash pad and they play. And I am partially recharged as I see them play, laugh, and enjoy themselves. That was like balm to my anger.

Then back to work I go, and now its my husband telling me that he’s met his fill. Remember, he’s alone the entire day with two rambunctious kids that are at every five minutes asking, “Mommy/daddy I want, I need, can we go” etc. I understand how he feels and now my guilt, anger, and resentment grow even more because I am not able to help my spouse. I get through the next two days of work and finally I am done.

Then I am at home.

Now my son is almost 7 and he’s getting to the point where he wants to constantly be entertained and have human interaction. He is always talking to me, always wants my attention for everything that he is doing, and always wants to show me stuff. He’s a bit of a momma’s boy. And I love that he wants me to be his world…but I can’t be. He bombards me with so many things and questions that I can’t hear myself think. Husband and I try to have a moment and here he comes. I know in a round-about way I have asked for it, but again keep in mind the growing bubble of emotions I am having.

My daughter is another thing. She’s a sensitive little thing when it comes to her skin. Can’t use certain things because now she has eczema, can’t eat certain things because that’ll flare the eczema. Whew....winter is over and now I can breathe. SIKE! Here comes heat rash with the summer. On top of that she’s also developed the habit of biting her nails. And not just chewing them off, but biting all the way down until her skin is raw. Me, being a nurse, am thinking about all the skin infections she can give herself from her mouth and then from the things she touches with broken skin.

So let’s summarize, I have work stress, resentment and guilt, and now I am worrying about my daughter. My kids are hounding me over things that they want, and I want to give, but I am just too tired. Now let’s add to that my son’s birthday coming up and want to make an unforgettable day for him, work is calling if I can come in extra, and I want to because I need the money, the husband wants me to be a sexy vixen and also spend time with him but I am feeling overwhelmed, my dad is out of country and left my mother alone so I have to go over and spend some time with her there......

I exploded. Thank God it was in the shower where the water can wipe my tears away, but I so badly wanted to punch the stone veneer of the shower. I want my fist hurting. I wanted to see my knuckles cracked with blood coming out. I wanted to see the proof of my outlet of my emotions. I wanted a physical manifestation of what I was feeling. I don’t know what it does to my brain to see it, but I instantly feel better. I feel like I can take a deep breath and let my emotions go. I didn’t thought. I came straight here. Like an addict to a sponsor or a meeting. I have to recognize when I am about to go past the ‘calling someone’ phase. When you’re passed that, that’s when you do stupid stuff.

So I thank you to anyone who read this. Anything I write is not really intended for anyone to read. This is for me, but I do hope that that there are people out there who struggle with mental health that will learn it intimately so that they are aware of how their minds try to betray them. Recognizing your triggers and knowing how to diffuse them is....super important. I can’t stress that enough. Getting ahead of them is difficult, but doable. Like being a diabetic or having high blood pressure. Life style changes are needed, but they can be done.

I am intimidated by the fact that I am going to have to deal with this until I am old. I don’t want my children to learn about my disease just yet. 7 is too early to learn about depression in its entirety, and I don’t think he would fully understand. But my son and daughter will have to learn about this and that is scary. I don’t want them seeing that side of me. I almost called it evil. Unhinged I think is a better word. I get pretty scary when I am in fully panic mode. Not that I hurt other’s but I hurt myself (again, not suicidal). But I’ll cross that bridge later.

Again thank you prose box and those who are reading. I feel human again. For now.