Dread Weight Lifted in Current Events

I don’t know what Cloud Nine feels like but I think I woke up on it today.

The weight of school has been lifted. It was dead weight in the end. I was not numbed out today. I could feel everything. The good, the bad, and the fugly. I felt alive for the first time in a long time. I have 99 problems and studying ain’t one. I have 98 problems now, technically, because I finally did my taxes. The soul-crushing weight of that existential dread is not in my way. I can finally pull myself to do things that I need to do.

I have a lot to restructure. I have a lot to think about. Now that I can have a thought to myself. I don’t feel like I have to be running to hide from the pain. No need to spiral out of control. This was overwhelming me this morning, I almost cried. They would have been happy tears. Tears of relief.

I fell asleep excited to get today over with. Woke up with a pep to my step. I get to have a weekend without needing to study. I get to be a me-monster and do whatever I want, guilt-free.

Tomorrow, I am going to try and finance a car. This is a gamble. I love the people I work with, I really do! But I really want to try for that non-profit gig. I really do think that I can make a difference there. Scary as it is. It’s youth support. I’ll be a mentor for at-risk youth. Ages 10-12. I’ll be working with rough kids in rough neighborhoods with rough lives but I think I can use my power of influence for good. It pays over $5 more than what I am currently making. I’m only a part-timer even. The hours will drop by the end of the summer. The non-profit wants me to have a vehicle. I want me to have a vehicle for that gig as well. I don’t want to be busing or walking around in those neighborhoods. I can afford car payments with that kind of wage and then some. I can’t wrap my head around that. Being able to afford things? What even is that!?

I want a reset. I am only able to achieve that with the flu. I always come out of that having to reconnect to everything all over again. I want to reconnect with the projects I put on the back burner while I was failing myself with school. I have a lot of skills to learn as well to manage my ADHD. I don’t want to fail myself next semester. I’m never going to forget what happens when I fall behind in something. I literally go crazy and when I go crazy I take everyone with me.

I’m thinking about everything that used to make the dread weight heavier and it is lifting me up. Making me excited about it. Can’t I just hang on to this?! This is that Capricorn NRG I have been trying to conjure up.