Inner Child Neglect in Current Events

I’m aware that I am going through a grieving process. At the end of grief is acceptance. At the end of healing is forgiveness. There are no other endings. I’m not going to get displacement, I am in the middle of the process. Before a breakthrough, I need to have a breakdown. This creates space for what needs to be built in its place.

I’m trying to grow my self-awareness through this.

If these demons could talk, what would they say? Worry and excitement are the same physical experience. I’m self-sabotaging because I am an adrenaline junkie. My anxiety is my inner child’s thrill ride. I self-sabotage and make myself run late, cram in my studies, etc. to get that thrill. He would say weee this is fun.

I’m numbed out. My emotions are not safe. These depression episodes are my inner child’s way of getting to feel something. Anything. This is how I cut.

If your inner child, whom you call a compulsive demon, could talk to you, what would he say? He would ask me why I don’t love him, why I don’t let him play, why I am so hard on him. He is trying to take care of me.

There are no bad parts. This inner child needs a functional, healthy adult to take care of him. To create boundaries and structure. I need to show him that I can take care of things. I need to tell him that I am taking care of things. I run this household.

What does this ADHD represent? What loss am I grieving? I’m not too sure. Control? Is control what you truly want? The answer is no. I want to let go and let god but control = safety. Safety is everything I know. I can make calculated risks. Change is the unknown.

The analogy they use to describe ADHD paralysis is this: it’s like trying to put your hand on a hot plate. Your mind won’t let you do it. The analogy I think would describe it better is this: it’s like that moment leading up to that first jump out of a plane to skydive. Your mind does not want you to do it. Your body does not want to do it. ADHD makes you see the full weight of a task which makes that plane feel higher and higher. The danger feels greater and greater. It shuts down. In the end, you jump and get that adrenaline rush. That is what leaving everything for the last second is. It’s skydiving. ADHD paralysis is the crippling fear before the jump.

I need to surrender. I don’t know what that looks like. My attempt to control and micromanage every detail of my inner and outer life is hurting me. I try to intellectualize my emotions and study them instead of experiencing them. Suppression is not regulation.

I need novelty. That is what my inner child wants. New places, new faces, and new hobbies, etc. It wants things to do. It wants to play. Instead, I give him an iPad. This is inner child neglect.

According to the hidden meanings in the Bible, magnetism gives us magnitude, volume, and space. It is motion. It’s massless. It carries electricity. It is the loss of potential energy. Dielectricty is pure potential energy. It is stillness, darkness, and silence. The pressure mediation between the two aethers is what gives us this plane of inertia. Electrification only occurs when these two fields interact. Dielectricity is trying to eat the light. Everything is trying to be at rest again because that is its true nature. Nirvana. That is not what we are created for. We are here to radiate. The more we expand the more the universe expands. My inner equilibrium is not balanced. The external and internal pressures collapsed my psyche and created a black hole. The darkness overthrew magnetism’s ability to keep things in the visible. There is no light, love, faith, etc. Just stillness, darkness, and silence. I need to learn how to regulate these energies better.

How do we feed the light? I’m not sure how to grow the light. The loss of inertia is what gives us gravity. I just feel the weight. It holds me down. I’m meant to raise my vibration to elevate but I am holding on to too much. I probably just need to let go. Just be present in every single moment. Be in union, Yoga, with my true self. This is simple, of course, but not easy.